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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, June 11, 2009 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The White House persuaded the Supreme Court to terminate Chrysler Tuesday. The politicians convinced the lawyers to screw the car dealers. Somebody stood up in court and swore to tell the truth, and the laughter delayed the hearing for two hours.
John Daly returns to the PGA Tour in Memphis Thursday when his tour suspension for drunken behavior expires. He doesn’t need the money. During his six months of suspension he got a job working in an auto repair shop breathing off the old paint.
Captain Sully Sullenberger told Congress Tuesday how he landed his stricken U.S. Airways jet on the Hudson River. He wants a better warning system for when there are birds in a plane’s flight path. In their defense, the geese testified that they honked.
Southern California Realtors said Monday that home buyers are returning to the market. Last week a guy in Santa Monica was able to sell his ocean view apartment for $2 million. He’s happy to have found a buyer but his landlord is furious.
The White House threatened to put North Korea back on the list of terrorist nations Tuesday. The list always has three names on it. Under Republicans the Axis of Evil was North Korea, Iran and Iraq, and under Democrats it’s North Korea, I Own and I Earn.
The Politico newspaper said Tuesday President Obama has mentioned Jesus Christ much more than President Bush did. He mentions Jesus almost daily. Until the economy gets better, that’s about all President Obama can say every morning when he reads the news.
The White House was locked down Tuesday when a woman jumped the fence onto the White House lawn. No one could leave the building until the woman was arrested and carted away. They don’t want a sex scandal to derail national health care a second time.
Washington D.C. was hit by a severe thunderstorm Monday that snapped off a tree, which crashed on the South Lawn. Branches and twigs were strewn everywhere. This was bound to happen after the president insisted on lightweight, fuel-efficient trees.
Bank of America CEO Ken Lewis testifies to Congress today how the Treasury Department forced him to take over Merrill Lynch last fall. What does a Treasury Secretary do after he meets with a bank executive? He wipes the pepper spray out of his eyes.
Congress passed the Cash for Clunkers bill Tuesday, offering drivers $4,500 for old large-engine cars to get people to go green. Conservatives are absolutely mortified. We were so worried the government was going to come and take away our guns we never even noticed they were going to come and tow away our cars.
North Korea readied an ICBM missile for launch Monday that could reach Seattle with a four kiloton atom bomb. It’s only one-fourth the size of the Hiroshima bomb. Seattle demanded the minimum environmental impact or they’ll take North Korea to court.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at
Published in The Messenger 6.11.09

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