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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, May 19, 2009 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton


HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Calvin Borel became the first jockey in horseracing history Saturday to win the Kentucky Derby on one horse and win the Preakness on another horse in the same year. What an achievement. The jockey is set for life, just on the stud fees he’s going to collect.  

CIA Director Leon Panetta said Friday that nobody misled Nancy Pelosi about waterboarding. It’s starting to wear on her. She gets her hair done every morning on the way to work and today it took three people to get her to put her head in the shampoo bowl. 

Kiefer Sutherland was arrested for head-butting a man while drunk at a New York party. He could go back to jail for violating his drunk driving probation in L.A. Kiefer Sutherland would be a billionaire today if whiskey came in deposit bottles.

Roger Clemens didn’t say the brightest thing in his latest denial of steroid use. He claimed that heart problems are hereditary in his family, adding that his step-father died of a heart attack. Perhaps his attorney advised him to plead diminished capacity.

The Treasury Department admitted that a Social Security computer malfunctioned Friday and sent millions of dollars in stimulus checks to dead people. The stimulus checks are a total waste of money. Even a defibrillator won’t bring these people back.

The U.S. Mint honored Abe Lincoln Friday with a new image of him on the penny. It shows him sitting on a log as a young man, studying a textbook. The teachers’ union is angry at the mint for advertising that you can get a better education without them.

Modern Bride advertised a men’s watch that buzzes every year a week before the wedding anniversary. There’s also a new card on the market for guys who forget their anniversary. It’s small, it’s personalized, and it maxes out at five thousand dollars.

Arnold Schwarzenegger proposed raising cash for California’s treasury Thursday by selling San Quentin prison to developers. It won’t sell in this market. Nobody wants to purchase real estate with tenants in it because it’s so hard to get them out.

The National Rifle Association enjoyed huge attendance at its convention in Phoenix over the weekend. Gun owners are stockpiling weapons and ammo because they think the White House will restrict gun ownership. To paraphrase Al Capone, you’re a lot safer with the Constitution and a gun than you are with the Constitution alone. 

Alan Greenspan was hired to give a speech to the National Realtors Association Tuesday in Washington D.C. He doesn’t need the money. Alan Greenspan retired as the Chairman of the Federal Reserve and with that comes a lucrative modeling contract.

Pfizer announced Thursday it will give Viagra pills free to customers who have lost their jobs or health insurance. This is so inhumane. The last thing an out-of-work auto worker, auto executive or auto dealer needs right now is a bundle of joy.

An Oslo judge fined a man a hundred thousand dollars for drunk driving Tuesday in Norway. The country bases fines on personal wealth and the drunk is worth forty million. If California had this law it’d be called the Chauffeurs Full Employment Act.

Playboy announced Tuesday it will begin publishing every other month to reduce costs. It has its place. A glossy magazine with nude photos of cheerleader types seems out-of-date to many men, unless there’s a power outage and they can’t get online.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at
Published in The Messenger 5.19.09

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