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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Monday, December 22, 2008 9:14 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

 HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? The New York Yankees signed two pitchers for two hundred and forty-two million dollars last week. Great pitchers are worth their weight in diamonds. California could end its budget problems if they could find a way to put Sandy Koufax out to stud. The Weather Channel reports that a cold front hit New York City Friday, dumping heavy snowfall and record low temperatures. The entire Eastern Seaboard was snowed in. Fur protesters on Fifth Avenue were having to watch their paint freeze in mid-air. Caroline Kennedy embarked on a listening tour of upstate New York on Wednesday where she was swarmed by fans and well-wishers and supporters. It’s a good civics lesson to the Illinois voters. A U.S. Senate seat is not a sales item, it’s a birthright. Barack Obama said Friday that America’s education system must begin preparing children for the high paying jobs of the future. The training’s already begun. At malls across America kids are sitting on Santa’s lap practicing to be auto executives. Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was defiant before reporters Friday, claiming he’s innocent of all criminal wrongdoing charges filed against him. The press conference was packed. He made eight hundred dollars just selling the front-row seats. Governor Rod Blagojevich was reported to have mob ties back when he was a bookie in Chicago. Illinois lawmakers and the U.S. attorney are fighting over the audiotapes. The difference between the Mafia and the government is that one of them is organized. Iraqi journalist Muntazer al-Zeidi begged for a pardon Friday for his behavior at last Sunday’s press conference in Baghdad. He fears how long he might remain in jail for throwing two shoes at President Bush. So far the only charge is littering. The White House decided to loan General Motors and Chrysler seventeen billion dollars Friday, upping the deficit. Many are angry over the rapid deterioration of the U.S. dollar. North Korea just threatened to begin counterfeiting Monopoly money. The New York Times said evangelical churches have gotten a huge rise in weekly attendance since the financial crisis began. People go for the moment of general prayer. It’s when they pray for General Motors and General Foods and General Electric. Barack Obama angered supporters Friday by asking evangelical Reverend Rick Warren to pray at the Inaugural. He upholds the Old Testament’s ban on homosexuality. If you have never read the Old Testament it’s a lot like golf, there’s lots of rules and no mercy. Wall Street swindler Bernie Madoff was ordered Friday to twenty-four-hour home confinement. It had been twelve hours. The judge ordered him to stay inside his apartment around the clock because he kept getting the doorman to give him two tens for a five. President Bush gave a series of interviews last week to dictate his legacy to historians. We’re in two unfinished wars, teetering on the brink of a Great Depression, and we’re in debt until the universe explodes. In a nod to the tough economic times, he told the Treasury Secretary Friday he does not expect a Christmas bonus this year. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 12.22.08

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