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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, December 17, 2008 8:56 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

 

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? The Weather Channel reported a huge mass of cold air sweeping into the Midwest on Sunday. The front was setting new records for low wind-chill temperatures. It was so cold in Chicago that Governor Rod Blagojevich was selling heated Senate seats. Saturday Night Live was ripped by New York Governor Dave Paterson’s office for joking about his blindness. No one knew he was that sensitive. Caroline Kennedy just decided not to do her Stevie Wonder impression when she asks him for the Senate seat. Oklahoma quarterback Sam Bradford won the Heisman Trophy Saturday after a huge season. He tore up the field and destroyed opposing defenses with his no-huddle offense. President Bush did the same thing when he stopped holding Cabinet meetings. President Bush paid a surprise visit to Afghanistan and Iraq Sunday and hailed U.S. progress. We beat the Japanese Empire and the Third Reich in less time. Eight years ago, Dick Cheney had this bright idea of paying defense contractors by the hour. Barack Obama introduced his Energy and Environmental team at a press conference in Chicago Monday. It was silly for the president-elect to spotlight global warming while it was ten degrees outside. One reporter stood up and threw two snowshoes at him. President Bush ducked two shoes thrown at him by a Baghdad reporter during his press conference in Iraq Sunday. Complete chaos broke out in the room. Every now and then Americans get a glimpse of why we installed Saddam Hussein in the first place. Iraqi reporter Muntazer al-Zaidi was hailed in Baghdad Tuesday for throwing his shoes at President Bush’s head on television. He’s worth a fortune now. The New York Yankees have been looking everywhere for a pitcher who’s not afraid to go inside. The New York Giants showed very little offense in a loss to the Dallas Cowboys on Sunday on NBC. The statistics look terrible. According to the Monday morning newspapers, New York’s leading receiver is the bankruptcy firm of Richards, Kibbe & Orbe. New York Mets owner Fred Wilpon lost five hundred million dollars Friday after a hedge fund manager defrauded him. He put his family fortune in a Ponzi scheme. The invasion of Iraq is no longer the worst mistake ever made by a baseball executive. Wall Streeter Bernard Madoff confessed to swindling investors out of fifty billion dollars. He worked Jewish country clubs from Long Island to Palm Beach. The victims have just realized they were better off when no one would let them into a country club. Governor Rod Blagojevich refused to step down from office Monday when Illinois lawmakers began impeachment proceedings. It may take awhile. The legislature is trying to come up with the six hundred thousand dollars he’s demanding to resign in disgrace. John McCain said Sunday he won’t necessarily support Sarah Palin for president if she runs in four years. He’s sadder but wiser. If you’re going to nominate a woman to be your vice presidential candidate, be sure she’s not younger than your wife. The ShopRite supermarket in eastern Pennsylvania refused Saturday to personalize a birthday cake with the name of a three-year-old boy because his name is Adolf Hitler Campbell. The refusal is what you might expect when the baker’s name is Anne Frank Gordon. The Gordons and the Campbells have hated each other for seven centuries. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 12.17.08

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