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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, December 10, 2008 9:06 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

 

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? The White House announced Thursday that President Bush has purchased a home in the Dallas suburb of Preston Hollow. The president must have paid cash for the house. Would you give a home loan to a guy with a trillion dollar deficit and no job? Caroline Kennedy asked Sunday to be named to replace Hillary Clinton in the U.S. Senate when she becomes Secretary of State. It caused quite a stir. When Bill Clinton first heard that Caroline wanted to replace Hillary he went out and bought new sheets. Major League Baseball held winter meetings Monday with recession on everyone’s mind. You think your stock went down. Three months ago baseball players could have signed for twelve million a year and today they’re asking each other what Castro pays. Delaware’s state veterinarian warned Monday of an outbreak of an infectious viral horse disease called Equine Herpesvirus.There’s little anybody can do about it. They could make the horses wear condoms but that would really cut down on the revenue. Fox Sports paired Jimmy Johnson and Barry Switzer Sunday to reveal the college bowl teams. These guys are national resources. Between the two of them they know enough recruiting tricks to keep the all-volunteer Army in business for two more wars. O.J. Simpson was denied bail Friday while his lawyer appeals his prison sentence in Nevada. The judge said robbing a hotel guest is inexcusable. Every pit boss and blackjack dealer in Las Vegas has retained counsel in case it’s a citywide crackdown. Saudi Arabia announced plans Monday to severely cut back oil production to try to drive oil prices back up. That trick won’t work for them anymore. Republicans get their oil from Saudi Arabia while Democrats get their oil from Kentucky Fried Chicken. Variety said Hollywood will release six Holocaust movies on Christmas Day. That’s in addition to the movie where Tom Cruise tries to blow up Hitler. It sounds like six studio executives made the same deal with God just before their last angioplasty. Barack Obama was fitted for a new tuxedo Friday for Inauguration Day festivities. It’s the first one he’s bought in 16 years. In the latest indication that Barack Obama is moving to the right, the label on the tux reads Hart, Schaffner and Goldwater. Barack Obama was denounced by liberals Monday for naming so many conservatives and moderates to cabinet posts. They can’t believe he fooled them into thinking he was a progressive. Smokers have a lot of experience lying to the people they love. Barack Obama asked his campaign donors Saturday to help Hillary Clinton retire her seven million dollar campaign debt. It’s so gracious. Her campaign was so low on money in June she was staging slip-and-fall accidents in Wal-Mart to pay for TV ads. Pope Benedict said Monday he will visit Israel next year despite his rift with Jews over his attempt to canonize a pontiff who dealt with Hitler. The visit is a smart idea. The Nazi hunters will never think of looking for Pope Benedict in Israel. Zimbabwe’s leader Robert Mugabe accused Britain of trying to overthrow him and bring back colonial rule Monday. Nobody dares to speak out against the government there. Zimbabwe has the only comedy club in the world with a cemetery on the premises. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 12.10.08

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