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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, December 4, 2008 9:52 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

 HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? New York Giants star Plaxico Burress was arrested Monday for carrying an unlicensed gun in a nightclub. He shot himself in the leg to keep from spilling his drink. He lost a lot of blood but luckily John Daly was a perfect match for a blood transfusion. Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis came under heavy fire Thursday from alumni. They are mortified. He’s losing games, he’s not getting top recruits and worst of all, scientists just discovered that the English and the Irish share the same Y-chromosome. Hillary Clinton was nominated Monday to become the country’s next Secretary of State. Her job will be to improve America’s ranking in the world. Germany remains number one in the poll despite its last two losses, due to their strength of schedule. The Nautica luxury cruise ship outraced a boatload of Somali pirates Sunday in the Gulf of Aden. The pirates wanted to rob the passengers and ransom them. Fox Sports tried to option the television rights for the race but was outbid by the Fox Business Channel. Harvard Medical School scientists announced Monday they found the gene that is responsible for the aging process. They said it may be possible to reverse many aspects of aging. This discovery came just in time so people can enjoy a long life with no money. The Screen Actors Guild asked members to authorize a strike against the studios as a bargaining tool. The studios’ first concern is to maintain good relations with the most creative people in the movie industry. It would be suicidal to offend the accountants. NASA said Monday the orbiting repair tools left outside the Space Station will crash to earth soon. Monkey wrenches that fall out of the sky usually land on the Three Stooges. John McCain, Lindsey Graham and Joe Lieberman were last seen Monday in India. India demanded Tuesday that Pakistan extradite the masterminds who planned the attacks in Mumbai. The gunmen trained using cocaine and steroids. The Commissioner of Terrorism has just permanently banned them from consideration for the Hall of Fame. Barack Obama attended the National Governors Conference Monday. He said states face tough choices because many state laws require a balanced budget. If federal law required a balanced budget, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington would have been a prison movie. The Supreme Court will decide Friday if it will hear a case challenging Barack Obama’s U.S. citizenship. Evidence is sketchy. There’s an old tape of his grandmother saying he was born in Kenya but then, all grandmothers say that if you don’t clean up your room. Auto executives showed up in Congress again Tuesday to ask for a bailout. Two weeks ago they came in company jets but Tuesday they drove nine hours from Detroit to Washington in hybrids. It would have taken four hours in a muscle car, but they didn’t want to be blamed for global warming when they pulled into the parking lot. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid opened the new U.S. Capitol Visitors Center on Tuesday. He said that thanks to the air conditioning, lawmakers will no longer have to smell the tourists as they enter the Capitol. Ever since San Francisco put netting under the Golden Gate Bridge, people have had to commit suicide in more creative ways. Bill Clinton was touted as a Senate replacement for his wife Tuesday after she was named Secretary of State. Why stop there? If Barack Obama can appoint Sarah Palin to anything, General Motors may die but the comedians’ bailout will be a complete success. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 12.4. 08

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