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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Monday, November 17, 2008 9:03 pm
By: Argus Hamilton


 HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

The New York Stock Exchange took stock investors on another harrowing ride Thursday. The Dow fell four hundred, then went up nine hundred. It’s like they are trying to kill everyone who has heart disease before the national health care plan takes effect.

NBC’s Saturday Night Live filled two cast openings Thursday to replace the departing Amy Poehler. The cast members must be masters of improvisation who can make it up as they go along and get laughs. Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson joins the cast in January.

Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson Wednesday canceled the federal buyout of toxic assets from banks. The derivatives are a mess. Nobody knows which securities are backed by actual mortgages and which ones are backed by Max Bialystock’s word as a gentleman.

Sarah Palin was the star at the GOP governors’ conference Thursday. She refused to take the blame for the loss of John McCain. He wandered off sometime after midnight and she’s not assigned to the guard tower between three and six in the morning.

The GOP governors conference discussed ways to appeal to more voters this past weekend. They must stop denying science. Polls show that while thirty percent of Republicans believe in evolution, only three percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.

Hillary Clinton was reported a candidate for Secretary of State Thursday. She is close to the new first lady. Michelle Obama asked Hillary for pointers last week, but Hillary explained that to keep Bill in line, Rottweilers worked a lot better than Pointers.

The Vatican gave permission to a photographer Thursday to shoot calendar photos of twelve hunky, sexy Roman Catholic seminary students. They’re studying for the priesthood. When the church promised to turn over a new leaf, we didn’t know it would be a fig leaf.

Connecticut legalized gay marriage Tuesday, one week after Massachusetts voters legalized marijuana. It’s amazing. Long ago, when the Pilgrims landed in New England, little did the people in the villages realize they’d someday be the Village People.

The Supreme Court ruled Wednesday that the U.S. Navy can run sonar tests off the California coast. Environmentalists said sonar makes ocean mammals deaf. At least they think it’s sonar, they can’t get the whales and dolphins to admit they’re abusing OxyContin.

House Democrats demanded a bailout for struggling homeowners and auto companies Thursday. GOP congressmen defended bankers who took bailout money but won’t loan it out. If Washington D.C. wanted to build the world’s biggest zoo, all they’d have to do is put a fence around the U.S. Capitol.

The Washington D.C. school board urged Michelle Obama Thursday to enroll her two daughters in the District’s public schools. They bragged about their high student scores in math and science. Nowhere do kids learn faster how many grams are in a kilo.

Valkyrie starring Tom Cruise opens in December about the real-life brave German colonel who tried to blow up Hitler during World War II. However, it’s hard for audiences to root for a Nazi war hero. Every time somebody makes this movie, Hitler survives but the studio gets killed.

Former GOP congressman Jim Leach was asked to represent Barack Obama Friday at the World Economic Conference. Ten years ago he wrote the bill that tore down the firewall protecting commercial banks from Wall Street speculation. Osama bin Laden refers to him as Babe Ruth.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at
Published in The Messenger 11.17.08

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