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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, November 13, 2008 8:56 pm
By: Argus Hamilton


OKLAHOMA CITY — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Sarah Palin discussed her future political plans during her Fox News interview with Greta Van Susteren this week. She’s not going away. Sarah Palin is God’s way of reminding Barack Obama if he turns out not to be funny, America has other options.

President Bush invited Barack Obama to the White House Monday. He did his best to be gracious at the front door. President Bush said congratulations and extended his hand and the White House usher shook his hand, wondering if he is getting a bonus or something.

The New York Stock Exchange remained open on Veterans Day. However the trading didn’t begin until everyone stood for the playing of Taps. A lot of traders who didn’t know it was Veterans Day merely assumed the new jobs report had been released.

Florida porn producer Cezar Capone offered Sarah Palin two million bucks to do a porn movie. We can guess the plot. Every time she takes off an article of clothing a team of Republican attorneys will scoop it up and try to return it to Neiman Marcus.

The Automobile Club reported Monday gasoline prices in Oklahoma and Texas fell to a dollar fifty a gallon at the pump. Americans are adjusting happily. Boone Pickens’s windmills are now being powered by the breeze from the Corvettes going by.

Kansas Democrats proposed Monday that November fourth be designated a national holiday to forever mark the election of Barack Obama. One thing’s for sure. When God gives Bill Clinton a bad year it lasts the full three hundred and sixty-five days.

The Washington Post admitted Monday that its coverage of Barack Obama was a bit worshipful. They aren’t alone. The TV network accountants just discovered to their delight they don’t have to pay taxes anymore because religious broadcasters are exempt.

Barack Obama told reporters Tuesday that his mother-in-law Marian Robinson will live in the White House and care for his two daughters. Democrats don’t like it. They think he’s trying to get around the requirement to hire a union babysitter.

Senator Robert Byrd resigned as Appropriations Committee Chairman Friday. He’s been understandably depressed. Senator Byrd lost his wife, and he’s at the age where the only two women that eHarmony will set him up with are Cloris Leachman and Madonna.

John Edwards returned to the public eye with a speech in Indiana Tuesday. He’s an important figure in the Democratic Party. Now that Bill Clinton has been pushed off the stage, John Edwards is everybody’s choice for the job of Designated Adulterer.

President Bush finalized regulations to permanently outlaw Internet gambling in the U.S. Monday. He doesn’t want banks to enable degenerate gambling. It’d be nice if he’d told us this when Wall Street was selling credit default swaps for no money down.

President Bush marked his last Veterans Day in office Tuesday on a pier in New York, giving a pep talk to the crew of the USS Intrepid. His tone was wistful. Once George W. Bush leaves office not even the clown at the drive-thru will take his orders.

President Bush denied reports Monday he offered Barack Obama a federal bailout for Detroit automakers in return for free trade with Colombia. It simply didn’t happen. There’s absolutely no link between free trade with Colombia and the bailout for the U.S. auto industry, unless you count the cocaine found in Lindsay Lohan’s Escalade.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at
Published in The Messenger 11.13.08

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