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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, October 24, 2008 9:22 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

 OKLAHOMA CITY — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Al-Qaeda was reported Monday to have netted $800 million cash in illegal drug sales last year. Now they’re all too rich to volunteer for suicide missions. Who would have guessed that the best way to fight terrorism is to do heroin.

The USC Trojans leap-frogged three undefeated teams to the nation’s No. 2 ranking Sunday in the first ECS poll. It’s a highly technical tabulation nobody understands. Under the ECS system, Hillary Clinton could still be our next president.

Dallas Cowboys suspended star Pacman Jones was ordered to alcohol rehab by the NFL after his latest scrape. He’s had 13 police incidents and shot up a strip club. Pacman Jones has more than a few issues, he’s got an entire year’s subscription.

San Francisco voters have two Election Day ballot measures  sure to draw world attention. One legalizes prostitution, another names the sewage treatment plant for President Bush. The city’s just trying to steal convention business from Gomorrah. 

Josh Brolin will play President Bush on Saturday Night Live this weekend after he drew raves playing President Bush in W. He’s really starting to specialize. In his next movie he is going to play Dick Cheney in Bring Me the Head of Saddam Hussein.

Hillary Clinton campaigned for Barack Obama Monday as she maneuvered to be the next lion of the Senate. She wanted to be the next President Clinton but now she wants to be the next Ted Kennedy. She must think the glass ceiling is a mirror over the bed. 

U.S. Congressman John Murtha of Pennsylvania said Tuesday he didn’t mean it when he said western Pennsylvania was racist, he meant to say they are rednecks. Now we get to the truth. Gen. Robert E. Lee didn’t invade Pennsylvania, it was a land rush.

John McCain campaigned furiously Tuesday in Pennsylvania, which he has to carry if he’s going to be elected president. He made three stops before breakfast. By now John McCain knows the location of every bathroom between Philadelphia and Pittsburgh.

Sarah Palin drew huge crowds in Nevada Tuesday where she blasted Democrats for taxing and spending. Her poll numbers have been climbing lately. Sarah Palin is favored by white working-class women, conservative males and comedians with mortgages.

Joe Biden predicted Sunday that enemies would provoke a crisis if Barack Obama becomes president, just to test him. He accidentally questioned his running mate’s fitness for office. Every time an airbag saves a life, Joe Biden gets a royalty check.

Barack Obama bought 30 minutes of airtime on Fox Tuesday which would delay Game Six of the World Series. He’s endorsed both Philadelphia and Tampa. Pennsylvania and Florida have a long history of rivalry in football, baseball and voter fraud.

Nebraska University canceled a speaking gig for Barack Obama’s associate Bill Ayers, who bombed U.S. government buildings in the ’60s to protest the war in Vietnam. It was a different world then. Buddhist monks used to douse themselves with gasoline to protest the Vietnam War, now they do it to pick up chicks in Los Angeles.

India launched its first-ever mission to the moon Tuesday, sending a satellite there to redraw the maps of the lunar surface. Some colonies took their English nursery rhymes literally. If the cow really jumped over the moon, that’s their Vatican. 

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at
Published in The Messenger 10.24.08

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