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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, October 22, 2008 10:58 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

  HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama Sunday on NBC’s Meet the Press. It horrified his own party. Republicans who used to say they weren’t racist because they would vote for Colin Powell can only say now that the maid was like a second mother to them.

Sarah Palin drew record ratings for Saturday Night Live in which she danced to a rap song mocking Alaskan hillbillies. There were equal-time concerns. NBC lawyers told them they could only make fun of hillbillies if they also make fun of rap stars. 

Joe Biden said Sunday the U.S. will face an international crisis if Barack Obama gets elected, and he warned Americans to gird their loins. That confused Democrats. It’s an old expression meaning get ready for battle, not the subtitle of the Starr Report.

Barack Obama was accused Monday of having a tax-cut plan that will convert the IRS into one giant welfare agency. He has other problems. Barack Obama is having a tough time getting ahead in Louisiana because his name sounds too much like Go Bama.

Brett Favre was accused Sunday of revealing Green Bay Packers secrets to their opponents, the Detroit Lions. He’s such a drama queen. If this doesn’t get him enough publicity, he is going to challenge Alex Rodriguez to a duel for Madonna’s hand.

Oliver Stone’s movie W about the Bush era got great reviews Friday. Two towers are toppled, followed by the fall of the Taliban, Saddam, the GOP Congress, and Wall Street. It seems beneath the skills of a great director to shoot a bowling movie.

Chesapeake Energy chairman Aubrey McClendon lost a billion and a half dollars in company stock on a margin call. He will be okay. In a moment of self-doubt the oilman jumped off the highest point in Oklahoma City but the sand trap broke his fall.

John McCain spoke to cheering crowds in Missouri Monday. He guaranteed he will win the election in November. He said you can take it to the bank, but it’s not going to convince anyone in this economy until he says you can take it to the mattress.

John McCain’s campaign made robo-calls to Ohio voters all weekend. The recording said Barack Obama has past associations with radical communists and can’t be trusted. It’s a dirty trick they bought for ten dollars at the Nixon Library gift shop.

Barack Obama was greeted by one hundred thousand fans in St. Louis Saturday. He has done a terrific job of shedding his elitist label. Early in the campaign when a tornado siren sounded in Dubuque, he asked for directions to the nearest wine cellar.

David Letterman had John McCain on his show Thursday at the same time Jay Leno had Barack Obama on the Tonight Show. John McCain beat them by two million viewers. Anybody who grew up on Fifties television knows that fights always beat worship services.

Queen Elizabeth was forced to have her favorite horse put down Thursday at the royal stables. The problem was breeding related. Queen Elizabeth descends from six hundred years of absolute rulers and it shows whenever a horse tries to overthrow her.

President Bush was reported Tuesday to be interested in making a living on the after-dinner circuit when he leaves office. He’s a very funny monologist. His role model as a comedian should be Bob Uecker, who’s made a fortune as an after-dinner speaker by billing himself as the worst baseball player in Major League history. 

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at
Published in The Messenger 10.22.08

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