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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, October 21, 2008 10:22 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

 HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Joe the Plumber was hailed by Republicans Thursday for questioning Barack Obama’s tax hikes to his face last week. Reporters have since exposed him as unlicensed, behind on his taxes, and using a fake name. If Tony Romo had the same kind of protection Barack Obama gets, the X-rays would always be negative.

The Tampa Bay Rays defeated Boston in game seven of the American League Playoffs Sunday. The Philadelphia Phillies beat Los Angeles to set up a Philly-Tampa World Series. Fox isn’t sure how good the ratings will be, they’re still canvassing the players to see how many relatives they have.

Griffith Park was the site of the latest coyote attack in Los Angeles Thursday when a jogger got bit on the ankle. He was the third jogger bit this month in L.A. It won’t be long before every other coyote coming down the hill at night has a sore on his lip.

Dick Cheney was rushed to George Washington Hospital last week to undergo a procedure to jumpstart his heart back to its normal beat. He’s had it before. An ambulance is automatically called whenever his blood pressure drops below eighty dollars a barrel.

President Bush signed a railroad safety bill into law on Thursday to prevent any more train wrecks like the one in Los Angeles last month. It’s no longer necessary. Once gasoline fell to three dollars a gallon, even the conductors stopped taking the train.

Oil and Gas Journal reported Friday that tumbling world oil prices will result in gasoline well under three dollars a gallon again. That’s good news for people who live in California. Our idea of carpooling is one guy in the car on a conference call.

President Bush greeted the Stanley Cup champion Detroit Red Wings at the White House Wednesday. He praised one player for getting sober and he praised another player for scoring a goal with his teeth. Talk about being on both sides of the issue.

The White House expressed regret Monday for a Predator drone which accidentally bombed western Pakistan. On the bright side, we found Osama bin Laden. According to Acorn’s voter registration records, he’s a registered Democrat living in Nevada, Ohio and Florida. 

Al-Qaeda was reported Thursday to make eight hundred million dollars a year from the sale of illegal drugs. None of it is kept in banks, so the financial crisis didn’t touch them. Not only have we not captured Osama bin Laden, we’ve taught him how to get rich on foreclosures.

New York loan sharks reported doing huge business Thursday from Wall Streeters who lost their jobs and need ready cash. Nobody has any trouble finding a loan shark in New York. They all hang out at a bar in lower Manhattan called Friday Means Friday.

Oliver Stone’s movie about President Bush’s life got rave reviews from critics nationwide Thursday. The movie won’t sell any tickets. Nobody’s going to listen to President Bush for two hours without getting a twenty-billion-dollar cash infusion.

Brady Bunch star Maureen McCormick wrote in her new autobiography that after the series ended she went on a binge and traded sex for cocaine at wild parties. That’s how it was in the late Seventies. The title of the book is Another Night at the Office.

Dallas Cowboys star Pacman Jones was suspended by the NFL Wednesday for fighting with his bodyguard. It was his thirteenth police incident. Pro football is the only sport whose bubblegum cards show a player’s picture on the front and his fingerprints on the back.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 10.21.08 

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