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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Monday, October 20, 2008 10:04 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

  HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Jerry Jones was reported having a tough time Thursday finding a company to buy the naming rights to his new stadium. The products most associated with the Dallas Cowboys don’t need to pay for the publicity. They get mentioned in every arrest report. 

Dan Quayle said Thursday he’s spoken with Sarah Palin on the phone and advised her to just be herself. She was so grateful for his advice. Very few politicians are prepared to take on the enormous responsibilities of being the national punchline.

Sarah Palin told New Hampshire Wednesday she will drill in Alaska and lead the nation to energy independence. Her plan could make oil prices plummet even faster. People who’ve been running their SUVs on brandy may find gasoline cost-effective again.

Bob Schieffer hosted the presidential debate Wednesday between Barack Obama and John McCain. We must choose between a socialist with terrorist friends and a former prisoner whose running mate is a sniper. Let’s pray we have the wisdom to choose wisely.

Dick Cheney underwent a two-hour heart procedure Wednesday. He was jolted with electricity in order to normalize his heartbeat. It only took ten minutes to raise him up to the ceiling but it took an hour and a half for a lightning storm to roll in.

John McCain spent Wednesday in a hotel preparing to debate Barack Obama. He was advised to go negative and he was advised not to go negative, he was advised to come up with a new plan for the economy and to stop coming up with new plans for the economy. He is offering Americans a welcome break from eight years of decisive action.

John McCain’s communication team claimed victory after Wednesday’s debate. The candidate’s own communication skills tend to be old school. He’s ruined his last four BlackBerrys by putting whipped cream on them and digging into them with a spoon.

Barack Obama placed campaign ads in video games Wednesday which remind players that mail-in voting is now underway. It’s a hot new medium. People who register Democrats for Acorn are developing a new Playstation game called Grand Theft Election.

Barack Obama’s name was reportedly misspelled on some mail-in ballots Thursday and he was listed as Barack Osama. It’s a totally unfair association. Obama and Osama only have one thing in common, they’ve both got friends who bombed the Pentagon.

Barack Obama angered an Ohio plumber Monday when he told him he will raise his taxes to spread the wealth around. He told the wrong guy. A plumber ought to know socialism when he sees it, he’s the first guy everyone calls when it starts to back up.

Washington D.C. was named in a health survey Thursday as having the highest rate of sexually transmitted diseases of any city in the United States. Blame it on the Wall Street bailout plan. You can’t screw that many taxpayers and not catch something.

Democratic U.S. Congressman John Murtha of Pennsylvania told the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette Wednesday the western area of his state is racist and won’t vote for Barack Obama. It’s sad. You always hear about the great quarterbacks that came out of Western Pennsylvania but all the Southern governors the area produced are hardly ever mentioned.

U.S. Congressman Tim Mahoney was caught offering to pay hush money to a mistress angry over a second girlfriend. He cheated on the woman with whom he was cheating on his wife. Now that the U.S. government is handing out seven hundred billion dollars a week, congressmen are getting all the women who used to go out with investment bankers.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail
Published in The Messenger 10.20.08

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