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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, October 16, 2008 9:06 pm
By: Argus Hamilton


OKLAHOMA CITY — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

The San Fernando Valley was swept up by brushfires north of Los Angeles Monday which ignited in the canyons and burned suburban houses in the foothills. A lot of people told the firefighters to get lost. They don’t have insurance against foreclosure. 

Wall Street enjoyed a 1,000-point rebound Monday when cash flowed back into stocks. All the money came pouring out of the mattresses. No one’s seen anything like it since all the water beds in Los Angeles broke open during the 1971 earthquake.

Native Americans denounced Columbus Day Monday as a celebration of conquest. To make amends, the U.S. government has given tribes casinos. Now Indians have the same advantage over the white man which they had at the Little Big Horn, namely house odds.

Project Acorn was found Monday to have registered 7-year-old children and dogs as Democratic voters. It may backfire. The joke will be on Acorn when the children and dogs vote Republican because they’re tired of everyone talking to them like they’re 2 years old.

World Series of Poker officials called for an end to the ban on Internet poker Saturday. Online poker is relatively wholesome. The queen of hearts and the queen of diamonds are the only two women on the Internet who have their blouses buttoned up.

Oliver Stone’s movie W, starring Josh Brolin as President Bush, opens Friday. The film takes a factual and detailed look at President Bush and Dick Cheney as they ran the country. Laurel and Hardy looked better pushing a piano up a flight of stairs.

Barack Obama gave a speech in Ohio Monday where he outlined an economic rescue plan for America. He proposed removing capital gains taxes on small businesses in the United States. Those small businesses are General Motors, Ford and United Airlines.

Baghdad’s stock market was reported booming Friday despite the world financial crisis. It’s no surprise. They have lots of disposable income ever since President Bush freed the people of Iraq from the tyranny of monthly electricity and water bills.

John McCain laughed off the polls during a speech in Virginia Monday and predicted that he would upset the cocky Democrats. His followers need to beware. In America, white people who are older than 60 and overweight are rounded up and put on cruise ships.

President Bush met Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi at the White House Monday in honor of Columbus Day. The Italian explorer landed in Haiti thinking he had arrived in India. To this day Italy is never favored to win the America’s Cup.

Pope Benedict proposed the infamous Pope Pius XII for sainthood Thursday. He’s the pope who signed a secret deal with Nazi Germany. To be fair, Pope Pius was only able to reach agreement with Hitler after they agreed to disagree on which one was infallible.

John McCain took on the underdog role in a Virginia speech Monday. He said his opponent has been measuring the Oval Office for drapes. After calling Barack Obama a terrorist didn’t knock him out of the race, he’s decided to call him a gay terrorist.

Chrysler management told company employees Monday that no deals have been made to merge with another automaker. The better move is to merge with a bank. Chrysler needs the infusion of cash and the banks need to acquire technology for crash safety.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at
Published in The Messenger 10.16.08

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