Posted: Wednesday, October 15, 2008 9:08 pm
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The San Fernando Valley was hit by wildfires Monday, forcing evacuations in Chatsworth. It halted production at the city’s many porno studios. If you want to watch Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac go down together you’ll have to buy the Wall Street Journal.
Wall Street soared a thousand points Monday on the belief that the bank crisis is over. Everyone agrees on what caused it. Barack Obama has to get elected president now because it will be eight years before another young black couple gets a home loan.
New York held its Columbus Day Parade on Fifth Avenue Monday. When the explorer set sail from Spain everyone thought the world was flat. To show he knows more than Christopher Columbus, President Bush is piloting the country off the end of the earth.
Great Britain guaranteed loans between banks Monday, igniting a worldwide stock market rally. Everybody wants this deal. The NFL says if the government doesn’t guarantee loans between sports books, the entire National Football League will collapse.
Cris Collinsworth led an HBO panel discussion Sunday on the use of painkillers in the NFL. The aches are lifelong. Some retired NFL players are in such pain from arthritis they can’t hold their own guns when they are getting their memorabilia back.
Angelina Jolie was accompanied by reporters Monday when she went shopping with her 7-year-old son Maddox for his first knife. It’s a sign of the times. When his dad Brad Pitt was a little boy and everybody played O.J., they used a football.
Barack Obama was criticized for hanging out with ’60s radical Bill Ayers. He led the Weathermen, who wanted to nationalize the banks and guarantee home ownership for every American. Today we have two words for someone like that —Treasury Secretary.
Warren Buffett was hailed on Wall Street after Monday’s rally. He showed faith and bought General Electric and Goldman Sachs when things looked darkest. He’s the only 77-year-old man who can make the earth move without any pharmaceutical assistance.
The Drug Enforcement Agency braced itself for interception efforts Friday after Afghans reported a huge poppy harvest. The poppy is used to make heroin. The drug is for people who want something less incapacitating than 500 cable channels.
President Bush attended fundraisers in Texas last week to raise money to build his presidential library at SMU. The library will highlight his accomplishments. It includes an exhibit where you can pick up a headset and hear all your old phone calls.
Bill and Hillary Clinton campaigned together for Barack Obama in Pennsylvania Sunday. The former president spent his entire speech praising his wife. You just can’t break up a marriage when divorce means you’ll have to testify against each other.
Sarah Palin was introduced by Hank Williams Jr. in Virginia Beach on Monday. She got bigger cheers than he did. She’s the emblem of family values, at least until Paris Hilton clues her in on how much money publicists will pay her to attend club openings.
Alaska’s legislature released an investigative committee report Friday stating Gov. Sarah Palin abused the powers of her office, but no one cares. Everybody loves the backstory of a family of hillbillies drilling for oil. As long as Mr. Drysdale doesn’t turn over their banking records, they should get away with everything.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.