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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, October 8, 2008 9:11 pm
By: Argus Hamilton


HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

President Bush went on television to calm Wall Street Monday, prompting the Dow Jones to plummet. The more he talks the worse it gets. After eight hard fought innings, President Bush now leads al-Qaeda by a score of three bank buildings to two.

Sarah Palin campaigned in Florida on Monday and at every stop she reminded the crowd that Barack Obama’s friends are a bunch of Chicago terrorists. People like terrorists from Chicago. We already have Al Capone in charge of the Treasury Department.

O.J. Simpson was taken to jail Friday to await sentencing after a jury convicted him for armed robbery in a Las Vegas hotel room. He could get life in prison for using a gun. When O.J. stopped using a knife it was like Michael Jordan playing baseball.

The Tampa Bay Rays made the post-season for the first time Thursday. For years they were the Devil Rays, then they took the devil out of their name and now they may win it all. Hillary could just kick herself for not running under her maiden name.

President Bush attended a GOP fundraiser in San Antonio Monday and then stopped by a downtown lunch counter to reassure the local diners about the stock market. His every word is magic. The president said hello to the busboy and the dishes crashed.

John McCain debated Barack Obama in a Nashville town-hall meeting Tuesday. The crowd looked frightened. Asking Tennesseans to choose between a war hero and Jesus is going to have a lot of them voting for a third-party candidate just to stay neutral.

Barack Obama pointed out John McCain’s link to savings and loans scandal crook Charles Keating Monday. Twenty years ago, many S&Ls went under due to a real-estate crash caused by Congress. The sequel is always more expensive than the original movie.

John McCain talked to a New Mexico crowd Monday about his strength in national security. During his speech he said the nation is safer at least a dozen times. It is generally accepted that America’s number-one weapon against terrorism is repetition.

The Gallup Poll said Monday the race between John McCain and Barack Obama will come down to the swing states. Once again the presidential election will be decided in Ohio and in Florida. People who don’t work are the only ones with the time to vote.

Sarah Palin linked Barack Obama to Sixties radical Bill Ayers on Monday. It’s a sophisticated media strategy. By the time Tina Fey exaggerates her speech for comedic effect, Barack Obama will be positively identified as Patty Hearst’s kidnapper.

Mayor Mike Bloomberg’s plan to run for a third term hit a snag in the city council Monday. Some council members want to keep the term limits and run for mayor themselves. It’s cheaper to pay for the mayor’s race than to buy good seats at New Yankee Stadium. 

The Super Lotto was won by nine people from Roswell, New Mexico, Friday. That’s the town where people claim they saw UFOs land sixty years ago. We used to laugh at people who see things that don’t exist until they got us in a war in Iraq.

Hank Paulson spent the weekend hiring ten asset management firms to handle the bailout. They’ll be assigned to figure out which toxic assets the taxpayers must buy and how much money the toxic assets are worth. If you still have that plastic sheeting and duct tape from the last Orange Alert, this is a good time to put it up on your windows.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at
Published in The Messenger 10.08.08

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