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argus Hamilton

argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, October 7, 2008 9:59 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

  HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

John McCain and Barack Obama hold a town-hall debate tonight in Nashville. They have made their way a hundred miles north of their last debate in Mississippi. The Commission on Presidential Debates thought it would be fun to follow the path of the Underground Railroad.

O.J. Simpson was found guilty of robbery and kidnapping in Las Vegas Friday. Some guys are just born lucky. O.J. was a football star, then he was a Hollywood star, then he got away with murder and now he will never have to worry about making another mortgage payment.

Howard Stern tied the knot with his longtime girlfriend Saturday in a Las Vegas wedding ceremony. He proposed to her on Valentine’s Day. He wanted to wait until he lost enough money in the stock market so the divorce won’t be that costly.

Wall Street churches and synagogues in New York’s financial district were full throughout last week’s credit crisis. The investment bankers felt a real sense of renewal inside the sanctuaries. Each service began with a reading from Chapter Eleven.

President Bush signed the Wall Street bailout bill into law Friday and thanked Congress. The measure is not popular. Right now people are so angry at Washington that they can’t get anybody to play the North in those Civil War re-enactment battles.

President Bush went on radio Saturday and told Americans that the bailout plan would eventually make money. That’s his pattern. When President Bush was six years old he accidentally broke a lamp and told his mother that history would vindicate him.

Israel denounced North Korea Saturday for shipping arms and nuclear technology to six Arab nations. The Jewish state is so isolated. Israel is the only strip of land in the Middle East that has no oil, but that only protects them from a U.S. attack.

Barack Obama celebrated his sixteenth wedding anniversary Friday but all week he told crowds it was his fifteenth anniversary. The staff didn’t mention it to him. If they start correcting his math now the whole health care plan falls apart.

Hillary Clinton praised Sarah Palin’s debate performance on Friday. She said she was composed and very effective. If Hillary Clinton was working any harder to get Barack Obama elected president, she would be at Arlington digging the hole personally.

Sarah Palin and Joe Biden drew seventy million viewers Thursday. Their face-off was the third most-watched debate ever. It was eclipsed in popularity only by the debate between Reagan and Carter and the most-watched debate in history, Lust versus Fear of Being Caught.

Joe Biden’s appearance in the debate caused comment by plastic surgeons in Los Angeles. He had no wrinkles and his eyelids had been lifted and tightened. Half the viewers thought Sarah Palin won the debate and the other half thought Connie Chung won.

President Bush flew back to his Texas ranch on Saturday but not before he went on a sentimental side trip to his childhood home in Midland. In the seventh grade he attended Jefferson Davis Junior High. It’s where he learned how to lose a civil war.

Sarah Palin called out Barack Obama Saturday over his ties to Sixties anti-war radical William Ayers. The Chicago professor once headed the Weathermen, a group that bombed government buildings to protest the Vietnam War. There was a time in this country when opposing a war meant more than going on Larry King and plugging your documentary.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at
Published in The Messenger  10.07.08

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