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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Monday, October 6, 2008 10:25 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

  HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

The U.S. launched missile raids on al-Qaeda hideouts in Pakistan on Friday. It’s part of a well thought out plan. President Bush was told in history class that war was good for the economy and he’s going to keep starting them until things get better.

O.J. Simpson’s robbery and kidnapping trial went to the jury in Las Vegas Friday after closing arguments. The prosecutor played a tape of the crime in progress. The jury wouldn’t deliberate until they saw the House vote on the Wall Street bailout bill.

President Bush got his seven hundred billion dollar bailout bill passed by the House. You knew Congress would give him the money. Las Vegas would have cut him off by now and put his picture in the cashier’s cage next to John Daly and Charles Barkley.    

Congress passed the Wall Street bailout bill Friday, transferring seven hundred billion dollars in bad mortgage debt to taxpayers. The banks are giddy. After the bill passed, one congressman inserted his bank card into the ATM machine and it moaned.

President Bush saluted both parties of Congress Friday for passing the bailout bill. Lawmakers caved in to signs of financial panic. Wachovia Bank was gasping for air, Washington Mutual Bank was collapsing and even Ernie Banks said let’s just play one.

CBS News star Lara Logan was accused of smuggling paintings of Saddam Hussein out of Iraq. She’s a CBS foreign correspondent, a former swimsuit model, and six months pregnant. She’d be a vice presidential candidate but she was born in Australia.

Sarah Palin got glowing reviews on her debate performance Thursday. She winked at the cameras, wiggled her nose and had the audience under her spell. It was sweet afterwards when she was joined onstage by her daughter Tabitha and her husband Darren.

Sarah Palin said Friday high gas prices are giving billions to hostile regimes in the Middle East. Arabs aren’t the only ones profiting from high gasoline prices. Clowns are making a fortune in Los Angeles teaching people how to fit twelve in a car.    

Barack Obama flew to Chicago and took his wife to dinner for their anniversary Friday. What a night. They were toasted by six network news anchors, the editorial board of the New York Times, two hundred cable news show hosts, and the NBC Orchestra.

Iran outlawed Barbie and Ken dolls Friday and replaced them with Islamic dolls for kids. They said every Barbie doll is more harmful than a U.S. missile. Mattel stock soared thirty percent on the belief they’re about to get a defense contract from Dick Cheney.

Georgia’s gasoline shortages caused by Hurricane Ike eased up Friday when gulf refineries began producing full steam. People there are willing to sit in their cars in gas lines for as long as it takes. That’s how much they hate Marching through Georgia.

Arnold Schwarzenegger asked the Treasury for a big bailout loan for California Friday. Why doesn’t he just drill in oil-rich Los Angeles? Ten million years ago dinosaurs roamed Los Angeles telling themselves the asteroid would never affect them. 

The U.S. District Court in Washington D.C. ruled Friday the White House must surrender its visitor logs showing how often Jack Abramoff visited President Bush. It still isn’t too late for Congress to impeach him. President Bush could hold the distinction of being the oldest Baby Boomer forced by job loss to move back in with his parents.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at
Published in The Messenger 10.6.08

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