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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, October 2, 2008 10:40 pm
By: Argus Hamilton


HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Sarah Palin will meet Senator Joe Biden Thursday at Washington University in St. Louis in the vice presidential debate. Americans will be rushing home tonight and popping popcorn. Everybody loves watching the Tournament of Imbeciles on Jeopardy.

John McCain’s debate with Barack Obama Friday drew unexpectedly low television ratings. The political analysts were shocked by the low number of viewers. This is why the three broadcast networks still won’t put an interracial couple in a TV show.

Wall Street soared Tuesday, one day after the bailout bill’s defeat in Congress caused an eight hundred point drop. Home foreclosures are dragging down the world’s wealthiest people. A few months ago Ed McMahon was a pariah, and today he’s a pioneer.

The New York Mets blew the division lead and failed to make the playoffs again Sunday. Last week one Mets fan paid ten thousand dollars for Mets playoff tickets, but he did not lose his money. He paid for them with his Washington Mutual debit card.

New York’s billionaire mayor Michael Bloomberg announced plans Thursday to run for a third term. He must maneuver around the two-term limit. He only takes one dollar a year in salary but after the week he’s had in the market, he needs the four bucks.

President Bush is the subject of Oliver Stone’s new movie, released three weeks before Election Day. He’s reportedly depressed at the thought that his term is almost over. Last week, he crashed the stock market and even that didn’t cheer him up.

President Bush warned if Congress doesn’t come up with seven hundred billion dollars this week there will be painful, lasting damage. Lawmakers were skeptical. They don’t realize he’s paying for the Iraq war with money borrowed from Tony Soprano.

President Bush stated Tuesday the U.S. will accept eighty thousand refugees next year. It’s a humanitarian gesture. He has great empathy for people who are hounded in their own countries just because they were wrong about weapons of mass destruction.

U.S. Congressman Alcee Hastings apologized Tuesday for saying hunters don’t care about blacks and Jews. He was talking about Sarah Palin at the time. After hearing from his constituents for over a week, he now realizes that the comment was sexist.

John McCain is featuring Bill Clinton in a new campaign ad about the financial crisis. In the ad the former president is shown criticizing House Democrats for not reining in Fannie Mae. He would never have been impeached if they would have just kept her on their end of Pennsylvania Avenue.

Hillary Clinton’s Beverly Hills pantsuit designer let the L.A. Times photograph a mannequin made to her exact measurements. Maybe Hillary hasn’t paid her boutique bill. In Beverly Hills, if you stiff the dress designer your measurements go up on the Internet.

John McCain was told by an insurance actuarial Tuesday that he has only one chance in four of surviving his second term if elected. This could really help him win the Libertarian vote. They’ve always believe the best government is no government.

Barack Obama spoke to a wildly cheering crowd of believers in Reno Tuesday. He said he favors increasing the limit on insurance for bank accounts. The crowd tapped their feet impatiently until he finally got around to the Blessing of the Dice.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at
Published in The Messenger 10.02.08

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