Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Monday, September 29, 2008 10:17 pm
By: Argus Hamilton


HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Barack Obama flew to Mississippi Friday to prepare for the first presidential debate at Ole Miss. The television audience tuned out. Once the governor stepped out of the doorway and allowed him into the auditorium, the drama was pretty much over.

The White House held contentious meetings between Democrats and Republicans on Thursday to try to forge a Wall Street bailout. There’s a real need for protection for taxpayers. With what they’re doing to us, we’re all aware we could catch something.

Sarah Palin revealed Friday that her father’s pest control company exterminated rats in New York six years ago. The city was plagued by a huge rat overpopulation. The law schools were graduating them faster than the investment firms could hire them.

Portfolio magazine released its November issue, called The Billionaires of New York. It shows pictures of their estates, their boats, their furniture and their art collections. The magazine doubles as an auction catalogue from the bankruptcy court.

Washington Mutual was purchased by JP Morgan on Friday after customers pulled out billions of dollars. WaMu’s recent commercials didn’t inspire depositor confidence. It’s the church’s place to ask people to pray, not the banking industry’s. 

President Bush invited British Prime Minister Gordon Brown to the White House Friday to discuss the financial crisis. It won’t work this time. We can’t ask the British to burn down the White House for the insurance money because we’re with AIG.

Paul McCartney gave a rock concert in Israel before seventy-five thousand fans Thursday. It’s nothing like the old days. Halfway through the show the emcee ran onstage and warned everybody there are some bad assets out there and not to take them.

O.J. Simpson’s prosecutor rested his case in Las Vegas Friday. Everyone’s bracing for the verdict. When O.J. was acquitted in Los Angeles half a million Californians moved to Nevada, so maybe when O.J. gets acquitted in Las Vegas they will all come home.

The Box Nightclub in Manhattan invited Barack Obama supporters to see Friday’s debate there and give fifty dollars to his campaign. The club is famous for raunchy sex acts and drug raids. There are debates at the club each night, but lust always wins. 

Sarah Palin’s former church released an old video of her being prayed over for protection from sorcery. The pastor was a holy man from Kenya. Whenever she and Barack Obama bump into each other on the campaign trail, they act like they never met.

John McCain was targeted in an ad by a liberal advocacy group showing graphics of his face cut open by his melanoma surgery. The melanoma isn’t likely to recur. Every time John McCain goes out into the sun now, he has George Hamilton coaching him.

NBC News said Friday fertilizer sales have plummeted because farmers can’t get bank loans to buy manure. Congress let them down. The copy machines can’t print the Wall Street bailout plan and run it through the shredder fast enough to save the crops.

President Bush signed a bill at the White House Friday that will extend Secret Service protection to vice presidents for six months after they leave office. It’s not nearly enough. Who’s going to protect the vice president’s hunting partners?

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at
Published in The Messenger 9.29.08

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