Argus Hamilton

Posted: Monday, September 22, 2008 9:05 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

 OKLAHOMA CITY — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Barack Obama raised eyebrows Wednesday by flying out to Los Angeles to collect millions at a Beverly Hills fundraiser in the midst of a Wall Street meltdown. It wasn’t as lucrative as he first thought. The checks were good but the banks bounced. Barclays Bank in England purchased bankrupt Lehman Brothers Tuesday along with its Manhattan tower, saving nine thousand jobs. It’s humiliating. The United States of America is two hundred and thirty-two years old and we’re having to go to mom for money. The Treasury Department proposed buying up all the garbage on all the books of all Wall Street banks and turning it into something they can sell. It must be approved by Congress. The Treasury Department is not licensed to operate a sewage treatment plant. The Ryder Cup matches in Louisville were imperiled last week when winds blew tree branches onto the fairways and knocked down a TV tower. The golfers had to be careful not to trip and break a leg. Under Kentucky law they would be shot right on the green. Fidel Castro is the subject of a film that says he slept with thirty-five thousand women. He had two new women a day, one for lunch and one for dinner. This shoots down the belief once and for all that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Ryan O’Neal was arrested at home in Malibu for drugs along with his son Redmond. His son Griffin and daughter Tatum have also had drug arrests. No one was suspicious that they already had their Christmas tree up until they saw the three feet of snow at the base. Paul McCartney was threatened by al-Qaeda if he sings in Israel Thursday. Show business is so hard. Barbra Streisand has to sing at fundraisers and Paul McCartney has to be the target of terrorists just to compete with Sarah Palin for tabloid space. Claudio Henrique dos Anjos changed his name to Barack Obama last week, becoming the sixth Brazilian politician to legally change his name to Barack Obama before October’s elections. It’s a coincidence. Jesus is a very common name in South America. Barack Obama gave a speech in Las Vegas Wednesday where he blamed the meltdown in the financial markets on greed. Gamblers in Las Vegas don’t understand Wall Street investors. Those people lose their shirts and they don’t even get a free buffet. Sarah Palin’s personal e-mail and photos were hacked Wednesday. The hackers were able to crack the code. If you send someone a picture of a dead moose and they send you a picture of a dead wolf it means mum’s the word, the trooper has naked pictures of you. The Federal Reserve agreed Wednesday to lend AIG insurance eighty-five billion dollars. There’s a reason why AIG got U.S. government money and Lehman Brothers didn’t. AIG agreed to have its militia come over to America’s side and fight al-Qaeda. John McCain blamed the Wall Street mess on greed and Barack Obama blamed it on failed White House policy. Neither candidate understands the nuances of spreads and risk hedging. Next time, both parties should nominate someone who bets on football. President Bush returned from Galveston Monday to face a Wall Street crisis. If it’s not hurricanes or market crashes, it’s war. President Bush doesn’t go hunting because no matter what he shoots, the dog keeps bringing him back the morning newspaper. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 9.22.08