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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, September 17, 2008 9:09 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

 HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Wall Street teetered Monday after Lehman Brothers went under and Merrill Lynch got sold. The markets were shaken. It got so bad that Securities and Exchange Commission investigators ran outside to see if there were any planes sticking out of the building. New York’s Mercantile Exchange saw oil fall below a hundred dollars per barrel Monday. This reduces the pressure to drill in Alaska. The Caribou feel like they have gotten a reprieve from the governor, but she’s too busy to shoot them now anyway. Galveston residents faced a month-long task of cleaning up after Hurricane Ike on Monday. They’re all just so grateful they weren’t investment bankers. At least with all their money in a mattress they have a chance of finding it again eventually. Houston businesses suffered widespread looting Sunday in the wake of Hurricane Ike’s destruction over the weekend. It’s not going to be easy to convict any of the thieves. They’re all claiming they were just trying to get their memorabilia back. O.J. Simpson’s robbery and kidnapping trial got underway in Las Vegas on Monday, televised live to the nation. However, the coverage of his trial was completely overshadowed by the turmoil on Wall Street. The cameras always go where there’s blood. Ghana’s President John Kufuor was given a lavish state dinner at the White House Monday night. Last February the African leader welcomed President Bush to Ghana by renaming a highway there the George W. Bush Motorway. It’s a demolition derby track. The Surrey History Center in England found that baseball was played in England three hundred years ago. Some aspects of the game never change. The league became unprofitable when the Declaration of Independence contained a free agency clause. President Bush’s parents hosted a family wedding in Kennebunkport that angered neighbors, who called the police. You can’t blame people for being pro-active. Anytime the Bush Family makes plans to reproduce, it’s a threat to peace and prosperity. Sarah Palin cited the similarities between Nevada and Alaska Saturday in Carson City. They both began with lawless mining towns full of gamblers and dance hall girls. Then the churches arrived, but only Nevada had the foresight to burn them down. Iran’s president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will be in New York next week to address the U.N. General Assembly. Like all insufferable egomaniacs he has a thin skin. Last week Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called up the producers of Mad Men and told them to lay off. The Interior Department’s Minerals Office in Denver was busted by the FBI last week. They were nailed for improper gifts, casual sex in the workplace and illegal drug use. The entire staff was hauled away and charged with living in the wrong decade. Barack Obama spoke in Grand Junction Monday, where he made fun of John McCain’s pledge to clean up Washington. Somebody must do it. When the clerk calls the roll in the U.S. Senate chamber, the senators don’t know whether to answer present or guilty. John McCain’s surging poll numbers prompted New York state GOP Chairman Edward Cox to urge him to campaign in New York and spend ad dollars there. Ed Cox is married to Richard Nixon’s daughter. It’s looking like Todd Palin could sue him for bigamy. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 9.17.08

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