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argus Hamilton

argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, September 16, 2008 9:32 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

 HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? The New York Giants nixed a stadium naming rights deal with the German insurance company Allianz on Friday. It was a moral decision. Allianz once had strong ties to Nazi Germany, and the football team doesn’t want to be associated with the losing side. Hurricane Ike laid waste to the Texas coast Friday. It was the third hurricane to hit America in two weeks. Barack Obama and John McCain expressed sympathy and Governor Sarah Palin vowed to take on the good old boy network at the Weather Channel. The JP Morgan Chase Tower in Houston had thousands of windows broken Friday by the hurricane’s force. It’s one of the banks where the oil companies keep all their money. Meteorologists think God broke the windows in an effort to get his hands on it. President Bush declared twenty-nine counties in Texas a federal disaster area Saturday. Over a million homes were without power all weekend. Some of the Texans have gone over five days without watching a football game and that’s bad news for Iran. Barack Obama canceled a Saturday Night Live appearance after Hurricane Ike hit Texas. He offered to use his entire fundraising network to raise money for victims. The next morning Hillary Clinton was on his front doorstep looking like a drowned rat. Hurricane Ike delayed refinery production Saturday, causing a spike in gasoline prices. Governors warned against gouging. They urged people to send them pictures of gas stations with exorbitantly high gas prices, and the cell phone networks crashed. President Bush helped raise a million dollars for John McCain in Oklahoma City Friday at a big fund raiser. The event was hosted by a beer distributor and attended by oil men. When people talk about cash being liquid in Oklahoma, they aren’t kidding. President Bush pointed to progress in the War on Terror in Thursday’s memorial services. We’ve killed al-Qaeda’s number-two guy twenty times. There is no death row in the Middle East, they just name you al-Qaeda’s number-three guy and wait. Barack Obama admitted in New Hampshire Saturday that his supporters have grown nervous during his recent slide in the polls. Some of the attacks are ridiculous. The fact that he is half black and half white is not another example of flip-flopping. Sarah Palin’s interview on ABC News doubled the network’s ratings Thursday and the extended interview on ABC Nightline beat Jay Leno and David Letterman. She’ll be sorry. It’s one thing to beat Brian Williams and Katie Couric, but when you start taking audiences away from comedians, you are going to miss the good old days of pig jokes. John McCain taped Rachael Ray’s show Friday, where he cooked spareribs and gave out his secret barbecue sauce recipe. She was surprised to hear the Republican say he buys all his ribs at Costco. So was the butcher in Scottsdale who sold him the ribs. Sarah Palin told ABC News that Barack Obama may have blown the election by refusing to name Hillary as his running mate. Angry Democrats are asking themselves one question. If John McCain is computer illiterate, how did he end up running with Yahoo? Saudi Arabia’s chief judge issued a death sentence for owners of satellite TV networks Friday because their immoral content poisons the population. Don’t laugh. Suppose he’s right and Mexico’s irrigation water has been getting a bum rap all year? Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail atargus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 9.16.08

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