Skip to content

Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Monday, September 1, 2008 9:38 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Senator John McCain shook up the presidential race Friday by choosing Alaska’s Governor Sarah Palin to run with him on the Republican Party ticket. If nothing else, the senator stayed true to form. He dumped Mitt Romney for a trophy running mate. Sarah Palin gave a crowd-pleasing speech after she was selected by John McCain Friday. Conservatives were thrilled and women were just ecstatic. President Bush called her and congratulated her on her Olympic gold medal in women’s beach volleyball. GOP convention delegates gathering in Minnesota Friday were overjoyed by Sarah Palin’s selection. It fit the party’s most pressing need this week. They had to have a candidate with no risk of being arrested in the Minneapolis airport men’s room. Sarah Palin was slammed by environmentalists for her record on wildlife issues Friday because the governor favors shooting wolves from the air. In Alaska they call that predator control. In the Democratic Party it’s called keeping an eye on Bill. Sarah Palin’s choice Friday let the GOP match the Democratic ticket for exotic appeal. She’s from Alaska and Barack Obama’s from Hawaii. It’s a chance for the Libertarian party to advertise Bob Barr as the candidate of the Lower Forty-Eight. Governor Sarah Palin married Todd Palin twenty years ago in Alaska where there are ten men for every woman. The atmosphere is crazy up there. Women are warned not to look for husbands in Alaska, where the odds are good but the goods are odd. Homeland Security director Mike Chertoff gave a televised warning on Hurricane Gustav on Friday. He had an interpreter for the deaf standing next to him. That’s because no one in the White House listens when you tell them that a hurricane’s coming. Hurricane Gustav blew into the Caribbean at Category One level Friday, where it stopped over the Cayman Islands. It was a business stop. The hurricane sold short all its Farmers Insurance stock two weeks ago and had a very big cash deposit to make. New York’s Mercantile Exchange listed higher oil prices Friday after Hurricane Gustav’s approach shut down drilling in the Gulf. Oil workers were shown leaving drilling platforms on helicopters. Dick Cheney plans to have them shot for desertion. John Edwards raised his speaking fee to sixty-five thousand dollars on Friday. It’s a seller’s market. Any guy who can get his wife to help him cover up an affair and then get a married friend to claim the paternity of the love child is worth every penny. Denver strip bars reported Friday that they suffered a big loss of business during the Democratic convention. Blame it on the party’s emphasis on diversity. Anybody plunking down ten dollars for a lap dance was just as likely to get a polka number from a Laplander. The GOP convention begins today in St. Paul with hotels and bars and limos and cabs doing huge business. They’re making everyone work on Labor Day. The only holidays Republicans recognize are Christmas and Easter and Exxon-Mobil’s wedding anniversary. Barack Obama went on a bus tour of Pennsylvania, Ohio and Indiana Monday to court voters who looked clearly invigorated. A day after his Denver acceptance speech, the nation awakened with a brand new sense of purpose. College football season started. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 9.1.08

Leave a Comment