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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, August 29, 2008 10:45 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Major League umpires began using instant replay on home runs Thursday. Testing was inconclusive. The umpires saw a replay of Hillary Clinton’s convention speech three times and they couldn’t tell if her endorsement of Barack Obama was fair or foul. Barack Obama gave his acceptance speech Thursday on a stage resembling a Greek temple. It was for TV ratings. In Greek temples they sacrificed virgins or goats, and either way it would entice viewers to think Bill Clinton was part of the ceremony. Hillary Clinton walked onstage at the convention Tuesday where she was greeted by a sea of Hillary for President signs. She then delivered a speech that brought down the house. Most women who want to make their husbands jealous just have an affair. Barack Obama was nominated for president Wednesday by a roll call vote of the Democratic convention in Denver. It was a historic moment in American history. Half the party was thrilled that an African-American was nominated for president and the other half could only console each other that he was British on his mother’s side. Bill Clinton spoke at the Democratic convention Wednesday despite his anger at being told he’d only have 10 minutes of speaking time. He couldn’t stay mad forever. As a favor to comedians he ended his speech by releasing all his delegates to John Edwards. Democrats had an ABC News producer arrested Tuesday for videotaping Democratic donors and senators at a Denver hotel. The party has nothing against free speech. Democrats are simply complying with the Continuity of Government Act in case they win. The Democratic convention drew 14 million viewers on the three broadcast networks combined Monday. The number is so low that the viewers divide easily into three categories. They are people who are passionate about the candidates, people who are passionate about the issues, and people who are still angry about the Civil War. Joe Biden addressed the convention Wednesday, four days after Barack Obama named him his running mate. He hasn’t polled well. Some commentators openly ridicule his hair plugs, proving once again that in politics it’s not the crime, it’s the cover-up. Joe Biden gave a hard-hitting speech Wednesday as GOP bigwigs were seen tapping their feet in the arena. They may have been impatient. Or they may have been rehearsing their opening number at the GOP convention as the Minnesota Airport Men’s Room Code Talkers. Democratic convention delegates were reported Thursday to have been very drunk in Denver bars every night. It just takes one at that altitude. It was foolish to schedule a tribute to the 100th anniversary of Mark Twain’s I Have a Drink speech. The GOP convention begins Monday in Minneapolis and pundits expect a business-like tone. The Democrats drew all the movie stars and supermodels. At the Republican convention the only thing besides Bo Derek that’s drop-dead is their health care plan. Cindy McCain flew to Georgia with the U.N.’s World Food Program Tuesday to bring aid and visit the wounded. It’s a dangerous trip. Just associating with the United Nations may cost her husband every Republican vote south of the 36th parallel. The Weather Channel said Wednesday Hurricane Gustav could make landfall in New Orleans. The governor ordered residents to have a plan. President Bush was at his ranch, where he ignored his wife for three days to get in practice for the hurricane. ——— Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 8.29.08