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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, August 27, 2008 6:37 am
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — Happy Tuesday, Oklahoma and how’s everybody? Michael Phelps will fly to England Tuesday to promote the next Summer Olympics in London. He has challengers. Next week Michael Phelps and Barack Obama will race across the Sea of Galilee, with Michael Phelps in the water and Barack Obama on foot. The IOC decided Saturday that China’s women gymnasts are all at least sixteen years old and eligible for the Olympics. They look like pixies. They’re at that awkward age for Asian girls when they are too young to vote but too old to marry Woody Allen. Shaquille O’Neal was served with a restraining order from rap singer Maryjane Friday claiming he stalked her after she broke up with him. Imagine the fear. You don’t want to be stalked by a guy who’s tall enough to look into a second-story window. Bill Clinton dined with Boone Pickens in Las Vegas last Monday during an energy summit there. These two could make history. Between Boone Pickens’s windmills and Bill Clinton’s wind we could end America’s dependence on foreign oil once and for all. Joe Biden was chosen the Democratic vice presidential running mate Saturday for his working-class roots. He appeals to people with high school educations and blue collar manufacturing jobs. The trouble is, the people in Sri Lanka can’t vote. Barack Obama introduced Joe Biden as his running mate at a Springfield rally on Saturday. They began the event with a prayer and the Pledge of Allegiance. It’s the first sign that the campaign has decided to bring in a consultant from the real world. Joe Biden repeatedly linked John McCain with President Bush in his Springfield speech Saturday. That may be a mistake. President Bush is increasingly popular now that he’s for offshore drilling and he hasn’t invaded the wrong country in five years. Joe Biden was handed the Wednesday prime time speaking slot at the Democratic convention. Barack Obama is slated to speak Thursday but it may change. Research shows that what most often follows a Joe Biden speech on a Wednesday night is Friday. The Democratic National Convention got underway at the Pepsi Center in Denver Monday where the television cameras caught a lot of the delegates wearing pink. It wasn’t a political statement. Democrats don’t separate the colors from the whites when they do laundry, they put them together and let them learn from their differences. The White House proposed a deal to pull U.S. troops from Iraq Friday, which could rob Barack Obama of his top foreign policy issue. He’s still very concerned about a withdrawal date. He’s hoping to get the Clintons out of Denver by Wednesday midnight. Hillary Clinton speaks at the Denver convention tonight and her supporters are still angry over losing to Obama. It could get emotional. There won’t be a dry eye in the house when nineteen hundred women play Hit the Road Jack on their rape whistles. Hillary Clinton supporter Philip Berg filed a lawsuit to prove Barack Obama isn’t a native-born citizen. It sounds nutty but it would explain why he sneezes onstage so often. It may take Indonesians years to build up an immunity to Americans. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 8.26.08