Skip to content

Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, August 27, 2008 9:57 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? The White House announced Monday that Dick Cheney will go to Ukraine next week despite Russian nuclear attack threats. It could help the Democrats. If the world ends during Barack Obama’s speech Thursday, people will really think he’s the Messiah. The Democratic convention began Monday as a tornado hit the Denver suburbs. It was nuts to schedule an outdoor stadium speech in the Rockies three weeks before the equinox. The Democrats gave up nominating climate experts when Al Gore didn’t win. Democratic Party veterans took the podium Monday looking like ads for terrific facial work. No one looked over forty-five. They were so shot full of collagen you could smear their faces on the doorpost at Passover and your first-born would live. The Republican Party in Texas ran a commercial Monday chiding Barack Obama for allowing his half-brother George to live in a shack in Kenya. Viewers empathized. Everyone in America has at least one relative they’d like to have in a shack in Kenya. Michelle Obama spoke to the Democratic convention Monday. She works at a South side Chicago hospital where she specializes in diversity enforcement. She recruits shooting victims from the North side so that her emergency room is racially balanced. Barack Obama’s wife Michelle was introduced to the Denver convention Monday by her mother and brother. Obama gave his in-laws everything they wanted and he gave the Clintons everything they wanted. If his convention bounce is greater than five points in the polls, Poland’s going to start handing out Russian textbooks to their schoolchildren. Bill Clinton was peeved at the Obama campaign because they want him to discuss national security tonight. He wants to defend his economic record as president. Whichever speech they agree on, he will be escorted onstage by the June Taylor Dancers. Madonna landed in Denver Monday and compared John McCain to Hitler. She’s just fighting her feelings. Madonna turned fifty last Friday and she slowly started to agree with John McCain, and now she’s trying to talk herself out of sleeping with him. John McCain appeared onstage in front of thousands of people in Phoenix Monday to get Daddy Yankee’s endorsement for president. Don’t get excited. Daddy Yankee is a Latino reggae star, not the guy who’s claiming paternity for John Edwards’s baby. John McCain beat Barack Obama handily in a Braun Research poll of hunters and fishermen. There’s an estimated forty million Americans of voting age who hunt and fish. It is a pastime that keeps the Scots-Irish in practice for our next enemy. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi gave T. Boone Pickens a surprise endorsement on Meet the Press Sunday for his wind and natural gas energy plan for America. Democrats may not know it, but Boone Pickens has the heart of a liberal. It’s in a jar on his desk. The Miss Sister Pageant, an online beauty pageant for nuns, was announced by an Italian priest Monday. It’s due to pressure from the Vatican legal department. Priests have to go to extraordinary lengths these days to prove that they’re straight. Playboy named the Oklahoma Sooners its college football number-one pick in the September issue. It’s a reminder. Our Founding Fathers insisted on a federalist system because they knew someday Oklahoma would censor the frontal nudity in Playboy and San Francisco would place fig leafs over the drilling rigs in Oil and Gas Journal. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 8.27.08

Leave a Comment