Skip to content

Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Monday, August 25, 2008 10:40 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Michael Phelps got a one-million-dollar advance Friday from Simon and Schuster to write a book called Built to Succeed. It’s a swimming instructional book. The Republican party has already adopted the manuscript as their hurricane relief program. Denver police were urged by a city panel not to arrest anyone for marijuana use at the Democratic convention. Last night one delegate learned to roll his first one-paper joint. Do you know how much pot you can get into a copy of the Denver Post? The Democratic convention is beset by a limousine shortage in Denver this week, leaving many delegates without a driver. The Democrats can only put a brave face on it. Their grandparents made it through the Great Depression, their parents made it through the Second World War and they will make it through this limousine shortage. Denver decided to close down Interstate 45, which runs by the stadium where Barack Obama will give his acceptance speech Thursday. No one wants anything to happen to him. There’s no confidence that the resurrection would happen in time for the election. Hillary Clinton delegates declared Friday that she’ll be a force at the Denver convention. The same day, federal officials scrapped the do-it-yourself deportation program. When Hillary Clinton didn’t move to England they wrote it off as a good try. Barack Obama first revealed his running mate choice by text-messaging the name to his supporters. John McCain absolutely refuses to announce his running mate by text message. He knows that when you send people telegrams they think somebody’s died. Barack Obama and John McCain agreed on a debate schedule Thursday. They kept one eye on the TV ratings. The presidential candidates will debate three times, their running mates will debate once, and Cindy McCain will play Michelle Obama in beach volleyball. The National Enquirer ridiculed a New York Times story last fall hinting John McCain had an affair, saying it didn’t meet their standards. They had the story but refused to run it. People buying food at the grocery store don’t want to see John McCain naked. Republicans cried foul Friday after Democrats ran an attack ad on Cindy McCain, because the candidates had agreed not to attack each other’s wives. Why would they agree to that? Attacking other people’s wives got Bill Clinton elected president twice. China angrily denied Friday that their women gymnasts are under sixteen. They look like sixth-graders. The idea of an eighteen-year-old girl looking twelve has polygamist ranches in Texas enrolling all their newborn girls in gymnastics classes. Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt was blasted by the IOC Friday for waving his arms and dancing after he won the gold. He had his reasons. If you don’t have a good end-zone dance you’re never going to get a job as a wide receiver in Dallas or Cincinnati. The Mars Lander relayed soil sample data to the Livermore Laboratory Thursday, revealing the past presence of ice and water. Scientists have two questions. They want to know if there is life on Mars, and if there is, if John Edwards is the father. President Bush agreed Friday to pull U.S. troops out of Iraqi cities by June and he agreed to withdraw all U.S. troops from Iraq in three years. He also kept cool in the Georgia crisis and he’s stopped threatening Iran. President Bush could win the Nobel Peace Prize just for locking his vice president in the basement three months ago. ——— Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 8.25.08