Skip to content

Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, August 14, 2008 11:25 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? The Beijing Olympics drew world leaders to China last weekend. There was a lot of stress. When President Bush heard that Russia invaded Georgia he asked the women’s volleyball team if they could play the next three games to eleven instead of fifteen. Russian troops swept into Georgia Friday as the world ignored President Bush’s demand for sanctions. It figures. After seven years of falsely warning the world about rogue nations with nuclear weapons, one finally shows up and nobody believes us. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi caved in Monday and agreed to allow a floor vote on offshore drilling. She’s buying time. The only way the Democrats can stop offshore drilling now is if they can convince Americans that Michael Phelps is allergic to oil. U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps continued winning gold medal after gold medal Tuesday. At the rate the price of gold is falling he’s not having as good a week as he thought. Perhaps in four years the medals will be made out of Elvis’s jumpsuits. Spain’s Olympic basketball team insulted their Chinese hosts Tuesday. They all pushed up the outer corners of their eyes during a team photograph. This is what happens when you tell athletes not to discuss politics, they fall back on ethnic humor. Stanford released a twenty-year study Monday proving jogging leads to a longer life. It’s feast or famine. Three-fourths of the runners in the study made it past eighty, however one-fourth could only run seventy-five and were caught by the coyotes. The London Daily Mail reported Monday that George Clooney is a secret adviser to Barack Obama. It said he advises the candidate on presentation and policies and body language. It’s the same working arrangement John McCain has with Hulk Hogan. Focus on the Family asked its members in a video Tuesday to pray for storms of biblical proportions during Barack Obama’s outdoor acceptance speech at Denver’s Invesco Field in two weeks. The weather can get wild there in August. However, if Kobe Bryant wasn’t struck down by lightning in Colorado, the Democrats should be fine. John Edwards offered to take a DNA test to prove he did not father the infant born to the woman with whom he had an adulterous affair. What a lesson. John Edwards should have known better than to stray from his first love, cameras don’t get pregnant. John Edwards was reported Sunday to have paid mistress Rielle Hunter a hundred thousand dollars and given her a mansion. Nothing’s changed. He’s still the humble son of a mill worker with dreams of ending poverty, but now he’s ending poverty one woman at a time. Mark David Chapman was denied parole again in New York Tuesday. The board said the man who gunned down John Lennon is still a public safety threat. Just because Paul McCartney survived his marriage to Heather Mills doesn’t mean he’s bulletproof. China admitted Monday that nine-year-old Lin Miaoke lip-synched their national anthem Friday to the recorded voice of another little Chinese girl. The adorable girl was told that she can’t sing and the singer was told she wasn’t cute enough. You spend one day in show business and suddenly sewing for Wal-Mart doesn’t sound so inhumane. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 8.14.08

Leave a Comment