Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Saturday, August 9, 2008 6:55 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Paris Hilton won praise Thursday for her mock campaign ad calling for offshore drilling and tax breaks for electric car makers. The candidates are just lucky she’s not old enough to run. She combines the most electable qualities of both Clintons. China will host the opening ceremony of the Summer Olympics tonight in Beijing National Stadium. The crowd will honor the spirit of peace and international goodwill. President Bush is so insulted he may break off diplomatic relations over it. President Bush went to Thailand Thursday after a stop in South Korea before he landed in China. Every day at lunch he had to go get the sandwiches. All the rookies in the Police State League have to put up with good-natured hazing during summer camp. Barack Obama began asking Americans Tuesday to save oil by keeping their tires properly inflated. It’s mundane on paper. However, you know Barack Obama, it couldn’t just be a simple suggestion, it had to be the big finish of his I Have a Flat speech. Georgia was voted No. 1 in the first college football poll. No one is comfortable. If you coach college football in the South or Southwest and you get a lifetime contract, it means if you lose they can’t fire you, they just kill you. Brett Favre opted for a trade Thursday, describing his dealings with Green Bay as an emotional roller coaster. His erratic mood swings may have cost him endorsement deals. The only thing Brett Favre’s agent can get him now is an endorsement for Midol. Berlin police issued bullet-proof bras to female police officers on Friday. It is to protect them when they wear bullet-proof vests. If you can’t find a copy of Soldier of Fortune magazine at your newsstand this month you’ll know why it’s sold out. Hugh Hefner hosts a lingerie party at the Playboy Mansion Saturday but for the first time he’s selling tickets to it. It’s the economy. Everyone is so behind on their membership dues that he’s got to come out of his casket to search for new blood. Dubai’s ruler bought 20 percent ownership of Cirque du Soleil. The world’s most erotic circus show is now owned by a Muslim fundamentalist. Last week in Dubai, a guy at the Hilton bar got 30 days just for ordering a Sex on the Beach. John McCain said Wednesday he opposes the farm bill with subsidies for ethanol benefiting corn growers. It could cost him key farm states in the Midwest, and the presidency. John McCain says he’ll stand by his principles, so it could go either way. Ron Suskind’s book “The Way of the World” says White House neo-cons ordered the CIA to forge a letter from Mideast sources to convince President Bush to overthrow Saddam Hussein. The letter was an obvious forgery. It didn’t even match Jesus’s handwriting. “House of Saddam” is a mini-series which debuted on the BBC Tuesday and airs on HBO this fall starring Igal Naor as Saddam Hussein. He’s Israeli. When they asked Saddam Hussein if he had any last requests, he forgot to ask for casting approval. Iraq’s government reported an $80 billion budget surplus. Angry U.S. lawmakers suggested that Iraq sell oil to the U.S. at a heavily discounted price. The White House just ordered the CIA to forge a letter from Iraq deeding the oil to us. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 8.8.08

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