Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, July 25, 2008 8:59 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Hurricane Dolly made landfall at South Padre Island and came roaring ashore in South Texas Tuesday. One hundred mile-an-hour winds and driving rainstorms pounded the Rio Grande Valley. This is what we get for asking God for clean tomatoes next harvest. John Edwards was caught by the National Enquirer at the Beverly Hilton Monday seeing his mistress and their infant love child. So that’s it. All last year when he campaigned against premature withdrawal everybody assumed he was talking about Iraq. The New York Yankees banned sunblock from Yankee Stadium Sunday, angering their fans. It was to prevent terrorists from bringing in liquid explosives. They reversed the policy the next day when they realized they were imploding the stadium in November anyway. Christian Bale’s mother filed assault charges against him in London Sunday while he was attending The Dark Knight’s premiere. She worked for years as a circus clown. Hell hath no fury like a circus clown who doesn’t get the role of the Joker as promised. Aaron Spelling’s widow Candy Spelling purchased a penthouse condo in Century City Tuesday for $47 million. She’s moving out of her $80 million home. So it’s not just Ed McMahon who’s suffering out here during this downturn. The Mississippi River was closed at the Gulf of Mexico Wednesday when a tanker spilled 400,000 gallons of oil. The black gold spread quickly with the tide. By evening the wealthiest family in Louisiana was the Seals of New Orleans. John McCain canceled his speech on an offshore rig Wednesday due to Hurricane Dolly. He caught a break. His campaign advisers are telling him that if he can stay off television between now and November it will only add to his Steve McQueen mystique. Barack Obama continued his tour of the Middle East and Europe Wednesday where he posed for pictures of himself with world leaders, pictures of himself with the troops, and pictures of himself in foreign capitals. The worst is yet to come. Is there anything in the world more aggravating than someone just back from vacation? Barack Obama visited Jordan on his Mideast tour on Monday. Television coverage was very limited. Ever since that New Yorker cartoon depicted him as a Muslim and his wife as a terrorist, Arab television is only allowed to show him from the waist up. President Bush told a Houston crowd recently that Wall Street was on a drunk and he wondered when they will sober up. He’s one to talk. The decision to cite false evidence to invade Iraq showed such sobriety that AA just added it to the Twelve Steps. Condoleezza Rice was in Singapore Monday to discuss North Korea’s progress in dismantling its nuclear weapons. Things have stabilized in North Korea. Returning travelers said things are back to the way they used to be, when Genghis Khan was running things. China banned black men from Beijing bars during the Olympics on Monday because they might be drug dealers. The U.S. government chose not to protest. Instead, the State Department is advising the USA basketball team to bring their own strippers to Beijing. Bill Gates said Wednesday he will join New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg to fund a worldwide anti-smoking effort. Dick Cheney’s ears perked up like a guard dog’s. The U.S. has been looking for a pretext to invade Cuba for 50 years and this could be it. ——— Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 7.25.08

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