Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, July 24, 2008 9:28 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Oklahoma oilman Boone Pickens proposed wind energy in a Senate hearing Tuesday. He’s been an oilman all his life but he says America has to wean itself off oil. This new law saying bartenders have to tell you when you’ve had enough is a real pain. The Dark Knight star Christian Bale was arrested for assaulting his mother and sister in a London hotel room. Everyone in Hollywood understood. It’s what you’ve got to do to get your picture in the newspaper without that silly mask over your face. Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow refused to join Playboy’s All-America team due to his religious beliefs. It’s a religious publication. The first thing Hugh Hefner has told 20,000 women over the years is that he’s a Methodist preacher’s son. John Edwards was caught by the National Enquirer with his mistress and love child at the Beverly Hilton Monday. It’s lucky the former presidential candidate is one of the nation’s best personal injury lawyers. He can represent himself after Elizabeth kills him. Paul McCartney’s ex-wife Heather Mills moved to West Hollywood Monday. She has finally found where she belongs. If it weren’t for the music on the ice cream truck, people in West Hollywood wouldn’t know when it’s time for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The Weather Channel tracked Hurricane Dolly in the Gulf of Mexico as it neared landfall in South Texas Tuesday. No evacuation was ordered. Nevertheless, a lot of families drove to Dallas just to feel what it’s like to get a hundred miles per gallon. Condoleezza Rice told Iran Monday to get serious about ending its nuclear enrichment program. She’s not kidding. The only reason the United States hasn’t invaded Iran is because the president keeps text-messaging the go-order with his television remote. San Franciscans signed enough petitions to get a measure on the ballot this fall to name a sewage treatment plant after President Bush. The Central Intelligence Agency named its headquarters building after his father. It’s obvious which one decided to topple Saddam. Sen. Larry Craig gave a Senate speech Tuesday that raised eyebrows. He said the U.S. shouldn’t let other countries jerk us around by the gas nozzle. If he had said that with his foot he would have been thrown in jail for violating his probation. Barack Obama was applauded by U.S. troops in a gym in Iraq Monday when he shot a basket from 20 feet. U.S. troops aren’t allowed to play favorites. John McCain got the same applause from the troops last month when he shot a prisoner from 20 feet. Barack Obama issued a strict dress code for staffers and media while they were in Israel and Muslim countries. The campaign didn’t want to offend any religious group in the region. People in the Middle East don’t worship Obama the way reporters do. John McCain accused the media of being biased toward Barack Obama. He’s got a point. When Obama took off in a helicopter from the Baghdad Airport to the Green Zone on Monday, all three network news anchors reported that he is risen. The U.S. government began the war crimes trial of Osama bin Laden’s driver Salim Hamdan for driving him to safety during the fall of Tora Bora. The precedents don’t favor the prosecution. O.J. got away and A.C. Cowlings was never convicted for war crimes. ——— Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 7.24.08

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