Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Monday, July 21, 2008 11:04 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? The President Bush Library was voted permission Friday to be built at Southern Methodist University in Dallas. He belongs there. With Michael Irvin, Pacman Jones, Josh Hamilton and now George W. Bush, no one can deny that Dallas will forgive anybody. Buckingham Palace suffered further water damage Thursday which Queen Elizabeth can’t afford to fix. She can’t get a home equity loan. Her family’s only owned the house for a thousand years and the Bank of England doesn’t like to lend to speculators. Billy Crystal was appointed Friday to serve on the World Trade Center Memorial Committee. This is an effort to get the memorial moving. After seven years they have concluded that what’s been holding up the project is that it doesn’t have enough laughs. Mad Men received eighteen Emmy nominations Monday for the show about a New York advertising agency in the early Sixties. All the characters drink, smoke and have sex in the workplace. There was a time in this country when there was no such thing as a sick day. Britney Spears lost custody of her two toddlers to former husband Kevin Federline Friday in a court ruling. The tabloids hurt her cause. There was a time when a photograph of a mother holding onto her little half pints meant kids, not half pints. John McCain vowed in Detroit Friday to jump start the U.S. economy. The country faces record gas and food prices, housing foreclosures, and bank closings. Has it occurred to anyone that Brett Favre wants to come back because needs the twelve million? Barack Obama was off Friday on a six-day trip to Israel, Jordan, France, Great Britain and Germany. The crowds will be huge. He plans to play Moses in Israel, Saladin in Iraq, Joan of Arc in France, Churchill in England and he’s wracking his brains for a famous German leader to play that won’t cost him New York and Florida. Barack Obama was denied permission to speak at Berlin’s Brandenburg Gate where Jack Kennedy and Ronald Reagan gave speeches during the Cold War. Germany says it’s reserved for presidents. Saviors have to start at the beer halls and work their way up. The Democratic Convention was reported Tuesday to be planning to give Denver’s homeless free tickets to movies and the zoo to keep them out of sight. There still will be a lot of suffering visible at the convention. For starters, they won’t allow fried food. The White House decided to set up a diplomatic mission in Teheran Friday. This could be a first step toward recognizing Iran after thirty years. It was the first government in history we couldn’t recognize because they were all wearing black hoods. President Bush and Iraq’s prime minister agreed Friday to a time horizon for pulling U.S. troops out of Iraq. Let the buyer beware. The trouble with a horizon is that you have to be a member of the Flat Earth Society to think you can ever reach it. Congress is furious at Air Force officials for spending anti-terrorism funds on luxury aircraft interiors in transport planes used by the generals. They wanted something nicer than business class travel. A bag of peanuts would’ve accomplished that. Kansas environmentalists resisted the construction of windmill turbines Friday because they break up the beauty of the prairie. Kansans like it flat. You can stand on your front porch in Kansas and watch your dog run away for a long, long time. ——— Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 7.21.08

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