Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, July 18, 2008 10:06 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? The New York Mercantile Exchange saw the price of crude oil tumble ten dollars a barrel in two days. It prompted a huge stock market rally Wednesday. President Bush is so unaccustomed to getting good news that he shot the messenger out of habit. Six Flags watched its stock price drop on Wall Street to forty-eight cents a share Wednesday. The economy is terrible for theme parks right now. It’s hard to compete with the thrill of pushing your car up a hill and then coasting to the grocery store. Willie Nelson and John Mellencamp announced Tuesday that this year’s Farm Aid concert will be in New England. It’s an annual event. Farm Aid started out as an appeal to the American people to give money to suffering farmers, now it’s the other way around. Tiger Woods cannot play in the British Open this weekend. He broke his leg and tore up his knee jogging at night. Pro golfers can’t tell the difference between a wolf and a coyote but they’ve got way too much money to risk guessing the wrong way. Babe Ruth’s cap and Lou Gehrig’s warm-up jacket were auctioned for three hundred grand each in New York this week. Collectibles are like gold during economic uncertainty. Whenever there is inflation or a weak dollar, ballplayers who died early do very well. The Daily Oklahoman filed suit against a Nebraska fan for using its website to publish a fake news story saying that two OU quarterbacks got busted for selling drugs. It’s very serious. Fake news stories got us into Iraq and now we can’t get out. President Bush hosted Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig at a dinner at the White House Wednesday. The sport is his life. President Bush’s library at Southern Methodist will exhibit every episode of SportsCenter taped during his presidency. Texas Ranger Josh Hamilton showcased his new sobriety at the All-Star Home Run Derby Monday. Things have changed in Dallas. Last night a stripper asked a Dallas Cowboy to make it rain and he walked over to the exit door and set off the fire alarm. Alex Rodriguez and Madonna Night was held on Thursday at a Grand Prairie minor league game in Texas. Couples who denied any romantic link between them got in for a buck. When Dick Cheney showed up with Big Oil they were laughed out of the ballpark. The National Parks Superintendents Association held its annual meeting in Utah on Wednesday. It could be their last meeting. No one’s sure about the future of the parks system but next year’s summit will be held at Yellowstone National Refinery. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi recommended oil drilling in already-explored Alaska leaseholds Tuesday. She won’t yield on offshore or wildlife preserves. The Democrats are not opposed to drilling, they are just opposed to drilling in areas that have oil. Barack Obama said Wednesday his candidacy will increase black voter turnout by thirty percent and let him win several states in the South. Now we know why he’s been promising to rise above racial divisions. You can see them better from up there. John McCain gave a speech Tuesday at the NAACP Convention in Cincinnati trying to win black votes from Barack Obama. It didn’t scare him. He doesn’t mind people shooting him down and holding him for five years but he can’t stand being untelevised. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 7.18.08

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