Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, July 16, 2008 9:12 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt gave birth to twins last weekend in France, adding to their growing brood. It’s one noisy house. The children they have adopted have already begun demanding international development aid from the children they have had. Pasadena’s Indymac Bank reopened Monday after a run on the bank Friday. It was wild. That morning some guy took his debit card to the Mobil station and filled up his Escalade with premium, and the next thing anybody knew, the bank was insolvent. Miss Venezuela won the title of Miss Universe Sunday. Miss USA slipped onstage and fell, legs up, in a slit evening gown for the second straight year. Ever since Britney Spears started doing their choreography they get a lot more views on YouTube. The New Yorker ran a cover cartoon Monday of Barack Obama dressed as a Muslim terrorist. His wife is dressed as a Black Panther. It just shows that a cartoonist can do with a pen what Jesse Jackson can only dream of doing with a pair of scissors. Minnesota’s former governor Jesse Ventura announced Monday he will not run for the U.S. Senate as an independent. It’s really a shame. Jesse Ventura is the only man who can take Washington politics and raise it to the level of professional wrestling. Alex Rodriguez bought one of his strippers a condo in Toronto Friday as his wife made divorce plans. Men are such dogs. The next day President Bush was reported to be supporting Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac and Laura has to be weighing her options. Congress broke into angry debate Monday over different ways to reduce gasoline prices. It’s a problem they understand. Congressmen have to drive their own cars because cab drivers refuse to pick up people who are statistically likely to rob them. John McCain told La Raza Sunday he’s earned their vote by backing comprehensive immigration reform. He’s serious about wanting Hispanic votes. In Texas, Arizona, New Mexico and California, John McCain’s bumper stickers read Stay Thirsty, My Friend. Barack Obama spoke before the National Council of La Raza Sunday, and he spoke before the NAACP convention Monday. He will be addressing a white audience this weekend. He has purchased two thirty-second advertising spots during the British Open. GOP lobbyist Stephen Payne was taped selling access to White House officials in return for donations to the George W. Bush Library. No harm, no foul. The administration has a 20 percent approval rating and the dollar is worthless, so it’s an even exchange. Southern Methodist alumni were livid when the White House was reported selling access to build the Bush Library at SMU. Southern Methodists wouldn’t have believed the article but it was published in the London Times. That’s their hometown newspaper. President Bush urged more oil exploration worldwide Monday. Back when a meteor hit the earth ten million years ago, the dinosaurs were all hanging out in Texas, Oklahoma, Los Angeles and the Persian Gulf. Israel is so sorry it had a no-pets policy. President Bush lifted the executive ban on offshore drilling originally signed by his father eighteen years ago. His father banned offshore oil drilling, pulled U.S. troops out of Iraq, and paid for the war with foreign donations from Japan and Saudi Arabia. This isn’t a presidency, it’s an eight-year episode of Father Knows Best. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 7.16.08