Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, July 15, 2008 9:25 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Major League Baseball holds its annual All-Star Game tonight in Yankee Stadium in New York City. The historic stadium is facing demolition in the first week of November. John McCain is already producing commercials blaming it on Osama bin Laden. Pasadena’s Indymac Bank was declared insolvent Friday and closed until it was reopened under federal control Monday. It’s a good thing it was in California. If this had happened in a state where people save money it could have been a catastrophe. The Green Bay Packers refused to release Brett Favre to sign with another team Sunday. They’d rather have him on the bench. President Bush will never believe we are in a recession if a guy can make twelve million dollars a year to watch football. Josh Brolin was arrested Friday in a bar in Shreveport where he’s been shooting Oliver Stone’s President Bush movie. He plays the president. He’s a method actor, and to get in character he had to either get drunk in Louisiana or invade the Middle East. President Bush shocked world leaders during his closing remarks at the G-8 summit in Japan Thursday. He bid them farewell from the world’s biggest polluter. Under President Bush’s leadership, America has the dirtiest record since Louie, Louie. WALL-E was number one at the box office Sunday. It’s about a trash-compacting robot’s quest for the mechanical love of his life. He’s not the first character to pick up trash while looking for love but he’s the first to do it in a children’s movie. The Stop Smoking Hotline in New York reported Friday that phone calls for help tripled after the city’s new ten-dollar-a-pack tax kicked in last week. The city’s government has done the impossible. They somehow managed to make crack cost-effective. The World Trade Center rebuilding project collapsed Wednesday amid design flaws and red tape. It’s all the new regulations. The Building and Safety Commission is insisting that nothing can be rebuilt in New York until the terrorists die of old age. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke testifies on Capitol Hill today in his scheduled update to Congress. He must sound concerned without starting a panic. No one thinks he’s skipping the country but the dry cleaners made him pay up front Monday. The Democratic party banned fried food at the convention in Denver next month. No wonder they want to reduce it to three days. Four days without fried food and the Southern states will secede, and how do you square that with nominating Barack Obama? Barack Obama was embarrassed by off-color jokes performed by Bernie Mac at his Chicago fundraiser Saturday. The next day the campaign had to apologize for the offensive remarks. If they’d known he was a preacher they would never have booked him. Jesse Jackson apologized Tuesday for saying he wants to cut off Barack Obama’s testicles. He was always polarizing. Back when Jesse Jackson ran for president his bumper stickers said Run Jesse Run and Republicans placed them on their front bumpers. John McCain joked Friday that U.S. cigarette exports would be a good way to kill Iranians. The Iranian people can smoke indoors, drive as fast as they like and gas is forty cents a gallon. If Iran had any more freedom it would be a John Wayne movie. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 7.15.08

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