Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, July 11, 2008 6:41 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

LA JOLLA — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Miley Cyrus caused a panic at Disney Studios Tuesday when the fifteen-year-old star said she wants to be the next Madonna. It could interfere with her education. She just stole the best player in Pony League ball from the English teacher he was dating. Alex Rodriguez’s wife filed for divorce Monday because of his infatuation with Madonna. They were clearly meant for each other. E-Harmony set them up when they wrote on the questionnaire that the most important thing in life is to fill a stadium. Brett Favre told the Green Bay Packers he wanted to cancel retirement and play this year. Retirement was a disappointment. He thought that since the government pays him not to grow cotton, Green Bay was going to pay him not to play football. Larry King was honored in Hollywood Thursday when the intersection of Cahuenga Boulevard and Sunset Boulevard was renamed Larry King Square. Local residents are extremely puzzled. An intersection seems like a strange place to put a softball field. Warren Beatty was given the Lifetime Achievement Award in Hollywood on Tuesday by the American Film Institute. For over thirty years he was the biggest womanizer in Hollywood. Nobody seriously thinks the Lifetime Achievement Award is for his acting. President Bush, along with other leaders at the Group of Eight Summit Tuesday, filled out a card listing his wish for the world, and he wished for a world free from tyranny. It’s merely a superstition. The next morning Dick Cheney was still president. Boone Pickens began a TV campaign Tuesday urging the use of wind power to generate electricity. He’s got five thousand windmill turbines spinning away in West Texas. For Boone Pickens it’s just an investment, but for the geese it’s the French Revolution. John McCain began seriously considering possible GOP vice presidential running mates during the Fourth of July weekend. There’s an added interest in the job due to his advanced years. John McCain needs someone who is ready to take over on Day Two. Barack Obama decided Monday to accept the nomination at Mile High Stadium, then asked Berlin’s mayor if he can speak at the Brandenburg Gate. It’s become a sickness. He won’t even order breakfast anymore unless sixty thousand people are watching through the windows. Barack Obama’s plane had to make an emergency landing Monday after a rear exit chute deployed during flight. The reporters onboard were shocked. Nobody thought that Hillary would tamper with his plane until after his fundraiser for her on Wednesday. Hillary Clinton voters were polled Tuesday and one-third vowed they won’t vote for Obama. They’re angry that the liberal cable networks spent all year demonizing Hillary and glorifying Barack. That Easter sunrise service was a little over the top. Iraq’s Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki asked the U.S. for a troop withdrawal timeline Monday and added he will allow no permanent U.S. bases in Iraq. His comments were welcomed in the White House. It’s been so long since Dick Cheney had a good laugh. The Church of England bishops convening in London Monday voted to accept women bishops, infuriating Episcopalian conservatives. They’re already furious over gay bishop ordination. It’s getting to where if Protestants want to see straight white males in charge of things, they’d better enjoy President Bush while there’s still time. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 7.11.08

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