Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, July 10, 2008 9:04 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Rafael Nadal won Wimbledon Sunday, beating Roger Federer in the best played and most epic tennis match anybody has ever seen. The whole world was riveted. Osama bin Laden was almost captured because he refused to change caves during the fifth set. Alex Rodriguez’s wife Cynthia filed for divorce Monday alleging his infidelity with strippers and Madonna. He’s been playing great despite all the controversy. Alex Rodriguez is the only hitter who sees the ball better when he’s in the tabloids. Barack Obama’s campaign plane made an emergency landing in St. Louis Monday. An emergency rear exit chute deployed while the plane was in the air. The Love Guru is so unwatchable that people are walking out on it even when it’s the in-flight movie. Barack Obama decided Sunday to give his acceptance speech at the Denver Broncos’ stadium. It will be on the anniversary of Martin Luther King’s I Have a Dream speech. At the rate Barack Obama’s been moving to the right, he might be delivering the rebuttal. Alec Baldwin led efforts in New York Monday to ban horse-drawn carriages from working in Central Park. He wants horses off the streets of New York. Barack Obama isn’t the only Democrat moving to the right, Alec Baldwin is now in bed with Big Oil. The Automobile Club reported gasoline prices hit a new record high Monday. The West Coast is hardest hit. Gasoline is so expensive in Los Angeles that drunks who drive their cars off the cliffs of Mulholland Drive have been forced to carpool. Universal Studios announced Monday it bought the Weather Channel. It’s to help their theme parks. Universal is going to use all the Weather Channel’s footage from the last month to create a new ride called It’s a Small World and It’s Coming to an End. President Bush met with Russia’s new president Dmitry Medvedev in Japan Monday and later called him a smart guy during his daily press conference. The two presidents are already fast friends. They met in the slow reading circle at the Group of Eight Summit. Methodist Church officials meet in Dallas next week to decide whether to permit President Bush’s library at SMU. Church opposition to his decision to invade Iraq is a reality. The White House answered by calling for new alternative sources of reality. John McCain spent the Fourth of July weekend with a speech coach, which he badly needed. Barack Obama presents himself as the man with the energy, the talent and the judgment, while John McCain presents himself as the white guy. It’s a complete toss-up. Time magazine ran an article on John McCain Monday saying how much the candidate enjoys shooting craps at Las Vegas casinos. He loves the action and the risks and the screams of the crowd. It’s the only thing that can replace the thrill of bombing a city. GOP conservatives promised Monday to stage a full-fledged fight over the party platform at the GOP convention this fall. President Bush’s name is on ninety out of a hundred pages of the current platform. That’s not a current platform, that’s a diving platform. Condoleezza Rice met Poland’s foreign minister Monday to try to get him to host the U.S. missile defense system. Dick Cheney tried but couldn’t get anywhere with the Poles. Once you have survived Hitler and Stalin, fending off Dick Cheney is just batting practice. ——— Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 7.10.08

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