Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, July 8, 2008 11:04 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Los Angeles witnessed a spectacular July Fourth fireworks show. The sky lit up for hours. Most cities pay pyrotechnic engineers a fortune for a show like this, but in California all we have to do is send three idiots on a camping trip to Big Sur. Crocodile Dundee star Paul Hogan sued the Internal Revenue Service Thursday to keep them from helping Australian tax collectors who are pursuing him. He laughed it off to reporters. Fighting with the IRS is the Senior Tour for crocodile wrestlers. Oregon daredevil Kent Couch took off for Idaho Saturday in a lawn chair attached to one hundred fifty helium-filled party balloons. It was very professionally planned. He wasn’t in the air five minutes before he refused to serve himself peanuts. President Bush flew to Japan Saturday for the Group of Eight Summit. It’s the annual meeting of the eight largest industrial nations’ leaders. President Bush is representing the U.S. this year because the chairman of Exxon doesn’t like Japanese food. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton will hold two joint fundraisers on Wednesday in New York. One will raise money for Barack’s campaign and one will raise money for Hillary’s debt. Next week al-Qaeda is going to raise money for Dick Cheney’s retirement package and Dick Cheney’s going to raise money for al-Qaeda’s ammunition fund. Barack Obama hinted last week he may give his acceptance speech at Denver’s Invesco Field at Mile High. There’s good reason. He thinks if he commits himself to giving an hour-long speech outdoors at five thousand feet altitude, it will force him to quit smoking. Barack Obama spoke at the African Methodist Episcopal conference Saturday. He’s recently turned conservative on gun control, wiretapping and withdrawal from Iraq. If he turns Episcopalian it’ll take a DNA test to distinguish him from President Bush. The Methodist Church’s South Central Jurisdiction meets next week in Dallas to hear a challenge to the Bush Library being built at SMU. They object most to the think tank that will be attached to the library. Stagnant water just breeds mosquitoes. GOP Congressman Dana Rohrabacher said it’d be better if President Bush does not attend the GOP convention. It’s sad but true. President Bush has done so much damage to the Republican party that the GOP convention’s going to air on the Weather Channel. John McCain angered GOP strategists by staying home in Arizona all July Fourth weekend. The Republicans can’t believe they nominated this guy. This never would have happened if Jeb Bush had taken their advice and changed his last name to Reagan. The State Department got caught snooping into the passport files of Hollywood stars for six years Thursday. The administration defended the snooping. They feel that the best way to get celebrities to back your war is to know everybody’s real age. The FDA was swamped by complaints from tomato growers that tomato sales have been killed by the false publicity about salmonella poisoning. Jalapeno peppers from Mexico are now suspected. If they don’t find the tainted jalapeno peppers before the next census, it’s going to cost the Southwest dozens of congressional seats. U.S. cargo planes transported over five hundred tons of Iraq’s yellowcake uranium to a Canadian processing plant Saturday. The uranium had been stored in Iraq in barrels for decades. On the side of the barrels were handwritten instructions from Henry Kissinger. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 7.8.08

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