Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Monday, July 7, 2008 9:00 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Colombia’s army rescued U.S. hostages held by terrorists for years in the jungle Thursday. It was ingenious. The hostages were slipped inside a rescue helicopter and replaced with Folgers Crystals, and the terrorists couldn’t tell the difference. Alex Rodriguez was reported Thursday to be having an affair with Madonna in New York, about which he refused all comment. The city is riveted. Alex Rodriguez is within one actress of tying Mickey Mantle’s team record of fifty-four actresses in one season. Christie Brinkley wept on the witness stand in her divorce trial in Long Island Thursday. She was describing how she learned that her husband was cheating on her. She spoke at a school assembly and none of the senior girls would look her in the eye. Arnold Schwarzenegger directed the firefighting as multi-million dollar houses burned up and down the Central Coast. Big Sur was evacuated. They had to set up the Red Cross shelter at Hearst Castle because these people will not sleep in a gymnasium. U.S. Senate longtime legend Jesse Helms died at age eighty-six in North Carolina Friday, just a day after Bozo the Clown died in California. Everyone in the nation’s capital waited nervously for the next shoe to drop. These things always come in threes. Republican Senator John Warner proposed a fifty-five mile an hour speed limit Friday. It would add speeding tickets to high gas prices, then your car insurance goes up, then you can’t pay your mortgage, then you lose your home, then America goes into a depression and the country votes Democrat. Never wonder again how Jimmy Carter got elected president. England’s Lord Chief Justice angered the British people Friday when he said Sharia law should settle disputes between Muslims. Britons are fed up with multi-culturalism. Every time they call the bank, the voice mail tells them to press one for Magna Carta. President Bush gave a speech outside Thomas Jefferson’s mansion Friday. He was heckled by protesters who shouted that he’s a fascist. It was a selected audience, but it’s quiet in that neighborhood and they can hear you all the way across the river. President Bush flew to Japan Monday for the last Group of Eight Summit of his presidency. During the conference, the other world leaders listed his accomplishments and no one talked about his mistakes. It looked like they had taken the vow of silence. Condoleezza Rice told Judy Woodruff Friday that she is proud of the decision to invade Iraq. The interview aired all weekend. July Fourth is a day when Democrats drink beer, Republicans drink Scotch, and the Bush administration drinks the Kool-Aid. John McCain skipped all the July Fourth picnics and parades and fireworks shows to relax privately at his home in Arizona. Presidential candidates can’t go underground on Independence Day. If he were in the NBA, there would be a point-shaving investigation. Barack Obama backtracked on his anti-war message Thursday, indicating he could take two years to pull U.S. troops from Iraq. He originally promised a pullout in two months. He started out in this campaign totally against war, but after one tour around the country he has gotten to know the Anglo-Saxons and he’d like to be elected. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 7.7.08

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