Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, July 3, 2008 7:00 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? The White House admitted Monday tomatoes might not contain salmonella bacteria after all. No one apologized. Even though inspectors haven’t found one dangerous organism, President Bush says that the world is a safer place without Farmer McGregor. President Robert Mugabe threatened Friday to cut off the hands of anybody in Zimbabwe who didn’t vote for him. Thank goodness it didn’t come to that. His opponent dropped out, or California wouldn’t have been the only state to go hands-free this week. California outlawed handheld cellular phones in cars Tuesday, infuriating Los Angeles drivers. They can talk on a phone, drink coffee, shoot the idiot who cuts them off and steer the car with their knees, all at the same time. You can’t reverse evolution. General Motors reported a steep drop in SUV sales Tuesday. The same day, polls said high gas prices are the top issue for three-fourths of the American people. This is the first quantifiable proof that one-fourth of the American people are Amish. China issued an alert Tuesday for algae infestation where Olympic water events will be held. Track and field events will be in smog-ridden Beijing. U.S. athletes are training for China by smoking two packs of cigarettes per day and eating tomatoes. Kit Kittredge: An American Girl is a box-office hit about a girl who helps her family survive hard economic times. It sounds increasingly like today. Last Sunday tourists saw Ed McMahon in an antique store in Beverly Hills, for six hundred dollars. California’s Wine Country was threatened by brushfires on Tuesday as marijuana plants burned up north. Firefighters are battling to save the hippie lifestyle. Next they’ll have to put out that burning sensation that often results from Free Love. John McCain spoke in Indianapolis Tuesday and backed free trade with Canada and with Mexico. It has to be just right. Heaven is Canadian culture, Mexican food and American know-how, while hell is Canadian food, American culture and Mexican know-how. Former NATO commander General Wesley Clark denounced John McCain Tuesday, saying a president needs judgment, not just courage. Nine years ago in Bosnia, Clark ordered a NATO attack on Russian soldiers at Pristina Airport, which a British general refused to obey, avoiding World War III. So Wesley Clark knows a thing or two about bad judgment. President Bush visited a credit counseling company in Little Rock, Arkansas, Tuesday. The president said he thinks he can get a deal with Congress on a housing rescue bill. As soon as the locals heard him say rescue bill, they wondered what he did this time. Barack Obama agreed with Republicans Tuesday that federal dollars must be given to religious groups that do social work. It was a letdown. A lot of Democrats were supporting Obama because they thought he could multiply the loaves and fishes himself. President Bush took Nelson Mandela’s name off the terror watch list so he can visit the United States. Just in time. When John McCain wins eighty percent of the vote in November, Nelson Mandela will be able to explain to everybody what happened. President Bush lifted a ban on shipping firearms to China Monday so rifles and ammunition can be sent to American athletes who are competing in Olympic shooting events in Beijing this summer. He was happy to do it. Once you accept that you’re never going to win the Nobel Peace Prize, you can just relax and enjoy being president. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 7. 3. 08

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