Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, July 2, 2008 9:16 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Seymour Hersh wrote in the New Yorker Monday the White House has sent Special Forces into Iran. Their job is to destabilize Iran before we attack. It contradicts the widely held belief that President Bush has done all the damage he can possibly do. California was declared a disaster area Saturday as eight hundred fires burned out of control in northern forests. Marijuana crops are ablaze. Twenty thousand firefighters are having to be rotated every six hours between Twinkies and Ding Dongs. Tarzan’s chimp Cheetah signed a music recording deal Monday and a book deal to tell his life’s story. He’s listed as the world’s oldest living primate. A chimp that can sing, write and do comedy is enough to get a new Kansas School Board elected. Jack Nicholson led a Screen Actors Guild revolt against a settlement deal with studios Monday, making a strike likely. There are no replacement workers for Jack Nicholson. Nobody with his experience was able to make it through the Disco Era alive. The National Bartenders Association reported Tuesday that tips at the bar were down thirty percent last month. You don’t have to impress a woman in a bar by flashing your cash. Women today won’t go home with you unless they see your gas gauge. The Automobile Club released its survey on gas prices Saturday. It showed that the highest gas prices are in California and the lowest are in Oklahoma. It’s a dollar a gallon difference, but that’s not enough to make everybody get out of show business. The Centers for Disease Control cited eight hundred cases of salmonella poisoning in June. They still can’t find one infected tomato. Tomatoes may have been wrongly accused, but the way the military tribunals are run they have no way to prove it. North Korea was able to blow up its nuclear reactor safely on Friday. It has had radiation leaks for years. It’s had no effect on men but evidence shows that every woman raised on the Korean peninsula can break par on any course in the United States. Barack Obama’s campaign revealed that Obama phoned Bill Clinton Monday and they had a terrific conversation. They struck a deal. Bill agreed to stay off the campaign trail and Barack Obama agreed to give him Scarlett Johansson’s e-mail address. John McCain said Tuesday he was a contestant on Jeopardy forty-three years ago when it aired daily on NBC. He was eliminated by the Final Jeopardy question on the second day. The North Vietnamese could not break him but he cracked under Art Fleming. John McCain met Billy Graham at his North Carolina home Sunday. This preacher would never embarrass a candidate. You can bet there’s no videotape of Billy Graham calling Roman Catholicism the Whore of Babylon, if it existed it’d be on black-and-white film. Barack Obama defended his patriotism during a speech in Independence on Monday to launch his Southern strategy. Both candidates have their geographic challenges. In order to carry the North, John McCain has to distance himself from President Bush, and in order to carry the South, Barack Obama has to distance himself from Abe Lincoln. President Clinton’s NATO commander General Wesley Clark raised a firestorm Sunday on CBS’ Face the Nation. He said getting shot down in a fighter jet doesn’t qualify John McCain to be president. Getting shot down by Paula Jones didn’t qualify Bill Clinton to be president, but it did give us eight years of prosperity and comedy. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 7.2.08

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