Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, June 27, 2008 9:06 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? George Carlin was remembered this week for his classic comedy routine listing the seven dirty words you can’t say on television. Not much has changed in the ensuing thirty years. You still can’t say those seven words on the air, but you can show them. Don Imus said his racial crack on the radio Monday was a sarcastic point about the unfair treatment of blacks by police. It never ends. Don Imus wishes he could mention how often Jackie Robinson stole home without people thinking he’s stereotyping. United Airlines announced Tuesday it will lay off nine hundred and fifty pilots because of tight profit margins. It’s the way things have been going. The airline figured out they can make more money off the passengers by charging extra for a pilot. Tiger Woods had surgery Tuesday to repair torn knee ligaments by a famous knee surgeon, Dr. Tom Rosenberg. He works out of Park City. The only thing more lucrative than drilling where there’s oil is performing knee replacements where Baby Boomers ski. Los Angeles City Hall reported Tuesday it has issued seven thousand oil drilling permits this year. The city sits on a huge oil pool. Between the price of gold and the price of oil we’re lucky that people aren’t digging up the roads with their bare hands. Ralph Nader told reporters Tuesday Barack Obama is not addressing black issues of urban poverty and job cuts due to free trade because he wants to talk white. He might have a point. Barack Obama has won a Grammy and it was for a tribute to Perry Como. Barack Obama enjoyed a fundraiser in Los Angeles Tuesday which highlighted his close Hollywood ties. As a matter of fact he answers Scarlett Johansson’s e-mails every night. It’s the first indication that Michelle Obama wants to run for the Senate. John McCain drew protesters in Las Vegas Wednesday who picketed over his support for nuclear power. He’s toured many nuclear power plants and he knows they’re harmless. All radiation does is bleach your skin white, thin your hair and dump your first wife. John McCain offered a three hundred million dollar prize Monday to anybody who can invent a fuel-cell battery that will power a car for long distances and end our dependence on oil. If it works we’ll be addicted to batteries. You know how we are. The Supreme Court decided Wednesday that Exxon Mobil doesn’t have to pay a two and a half billion dollar award for the Exxon Valdez spill. The court slashed the award to half a billion dollars. Exxon’s going to pay it out of the office coffee fund. Queen Elizabeth stripped Zimbabwe president Robert Mugabe of his knighthood on Wednesday. He’s bankrupted her former colony. The Mississippi River just tied Robert Mugabe’s record for the most number of white farmers run off their land in one sweep. President Bush expressed sadness Wednesday over today’s Zimbabwe election. The only opponent of President Mugabe dropped out in fear for his life. An optimist is anyone living in Zimbabwe who stays up late tonight to see how the election comes out. President Bush met with Iraqi President Jalal Talabani Wednesday at the White House. The leaders are negotiating an agreement to keep U.S. troops there after the U.N. mandate expires at the end of the year. The Iraqi president invited international ridicule when he said it’s increasingly safe to walk the streets of Washington D.C. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 6.27.08

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