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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, June 25, 2008 6:53 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? George Carlin died Sunday, 30 years after the Supreme Court ruled his Seven Dirty Words routine unfit for broadcast. Times have changed. Today pornography is a photo of a woman standing in front of a gas pump a year ago with the prices showing. Kobe Bryant headlines the group of NBA stars named to the U.S. Olympic basketball team on Monday. The NBA players will begin training this week in Las Vegas. That’s a great place to train if our goal is to take home the gold medal in stripper tipping. U.S. Airways infuriated customers Monday whey they began charging for soft drinks in flight. The war on terror is over. Thanks to long lines, new baggage fees, body searches, no food and three-dollar Coca-Cola’s, Americans now side with the hijackers. Saudi Arabia hosted a summit Monday to find ways to reduce prices from the oil well to the pump. Gas station owners are looking for ways to make gasoline more affordable. Across the nation they’re converting all their mini-marts into pawn shops. Tom Brokaw offered to host Meet the Press a week after Tim Russert’s death. He announced Russert’s death, he hosted Russert’s funeral and now he has Russert’s job. Now Tom Brokaw’s only problem is that he’s got Peter Falk following him everywhere. The Houston Chronicle said Friday the Texas polygamy sect will be investigated by a West Texas grand jury this week. It’s not easy being the husband at a polygamist ranch. You leave the toilet seat up just once and suddenly you’re facing an angry mob. The Supreme Court ruled Monday to permit the construction of hundreds of miles of border wall with Mexico. It’s vitally necessary. The whole idea of the wall is to keep out terrorists who are trying to get into the United States for a fair trial. President Bush claimed executive privilege Friday and refused to give Congress documents showing if he pressured the EPA to weaken smog rules. He refused to answer any questions. He’s taking advantage of the fact that Democrats oppose waterboarding. John McCain’s top advisor Charlie Black apologized Monday for saying a terrorist attack would help McCain’s candidacy. He said it in confidence to Fortune magazine. He forgot that Bill Clinton’s presidency turned the Democrats into monthly subscribers. John McCain spoke in Fresno Monday and proposed a three hundred million dollar prize for a battery that can run a car. Ed McMahon tore his house up when he heard about it. Those Boy Scout manuals back in the Twenties taught you how to do everything. Barack Obama’s campaign decided to get rid of that fake presidential seal with a rising sun on it designed for the candidate’s podium. He was campaigning in New Mexico. You don’t want to go waving a rising sun in the birthplace of the atomic bomb. Hillary Clinton will campaign with Barack Obama in New Hampshire Friday. They split the town’s vote fifty-fifty in the primary. London oddsmakers posted ten-to-one odds she will use the occasion to name Obama to be her vice presidential running mate. Condi Rice urged North Korea to do as Libya has done and join the community of nations by giving up its weapons of mass destruction. Libyans read the signals five years ago and wrote the playbook for the Axis of Evil. Lie low until Bush blows over. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 6.25.08

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