Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Barack Obama set up a website Wednesday called Stop the Smears to fire back at rumors circulating about him on the Internet. He’s got to stop these rumors that he’s Jesus. If he was born outside the United States he’s not eligible to be president. Tiger Woods battled knee pain over the weekend during the U.S. Open. He must not alter his swing or other muscles could go out. The golf swing is the most unnatural act in all of sports, if you don’t count the Cubs having the best record in baseball. The Weather Channel showed Mississippi River flood damage in Iowa Friday which had the nation glued to the television set. Everyone’s concern is understandable. The corn crops were soaked in two feet of water and that’s really bad for your engine. Ed McMahon was reported Thursday to have blown his two hundred million dollar fortune on get-rich-quick schemes. It all came apart the last few months. He could not have picked a worse time to sink everything into the gasoline-powered typewriter. U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner introduced a bill on Tuesday to open up one thousand new immigrant visa slots for supermodels. New York’s fashion industry needs a constant supply of new fashion models. The ones we have keep falling through the subway grates. President Bush is scheduled to have tea with the Royal Family at Windsor Castle Sunday and then have a meeting in London the next morning with Tony Blair. He’s now an emissary for Middle East peace. After Tony Blair retired he changed sides. Pope Benedict hosted President Bush at the Vatican in Rome Friday. They met in the Vatican Gardens instead of following the usual protocol. Normally the pope meets VIPs in his library but books make President Bush break out in a rash. President Bush spoke in Paris where he mixed up the Cold War and Civil War and got numerous names wrong. The speech was very long. Thanks to the Supreme Court’s ruling Thursday he has to read the English language its rights before he tortures it. Mike Huckabee signed to be a commentator on Fox News on Friday. It’s the right move. He’s very popular among social conservatives and he gets bigger laughs in his speeches than anyone, two reasons John McCain will never choose him as a running mate. John McCain accused Democratic Senate opponents of engaging in ageism Thursday by suggesting he was confused and out of touch. This kind of gratuitous disrespect has to stop. It’s not true that John McCain’s so old that he has an autographed Bible. Barack Obama called Friday for higher Social Security taxes on people who make a quarter million a year. It set off a panic among rich Democrats. At least when the Clintons are called Marxists, we know they are talking about Groucho, Harpo and Chico. Weather Channel founder John Coleman blamed Al Gore for high gas prices Friday, adding that the global warming frenzy is a fraud and a scam. This guy owes his career to Al Gore. Thanks to all the tornadoes, hurricanes and cyclones blamed on global warming, people stay tuned to the Weather Channel for the same reason they watched CBS News every night during the Cold War, you never know if this day is going to be your last. Katie Couric said Wednesday the coverage of the Hillary Clinton campaign shows the accepted role of sexism in America. Other critics of the coverage cite liberal peer pressure to support a black man. Both sides agree something must be done about America being the world’s only superpower, the sad legacy of the straight white male. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 6.16.08

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