Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? General Motors extended shifts at their hybrid electric car factory last week and shut down four GM plants that make gas guzzling SUVs. Buying hybrid electric cars reduces terrorism by fifty percent. They only support Saudi Arabia while going uphill. Burma’s ruling junta arrested a popular Burmese comedian Wednesday for telling jokes about their government. It’s a rapidly spreading trend. In Russia political comedians have been banned from television and in America the Clintons were canceled. Hillary Clinton’s withdrawal Saturday caused no small concern at the cable news networks. Her never-say-die battle gave them record-high ratings. To make up for her loss they just offered tornado season a six-month extension at two million a week. Hillary Clinton agreed to suspend her campaign Saturday at the urging of party leaders. She’ll miss the campaign. She would have to move to Hollywood and lose thirty years in order to get that many people to pay for her lighting, makeup and hair. The Senate Intelligence Committee released a report Thursday saying the White House lied the nation into war with Iraq. No one’s going to jail. The war was wrongly threatened and wrongly declared and wrongly waged, but it’s better than no war at all. Hollywood producer Aaron Spelling’s widow Candy Spelling hit a one hundred and eighty thousand dollar jackpot from a slot machine on the Las Vegas Strip Thursday. Easy come, easy go. The next day she filled up her Escalade and lost it all. Ed McMahon battled foreclosure on his six million dollar home in Beverly Hills Friday. There’s no way he could have burned through fifty years of TV money by himself. Apparently when Johnny Carson died he left two of his ex-wives to Ed McMahon. Oliver Stone began filming his movie about President Bush Monday. It comes out this fall. The movie covers his entire life, from his days as black sheep of the family and screw-up all the way to his days as black sheep of the family and screw-up. Barack Obama denied the alleged existence of videotape catching Michelle Obama using the word whitey in a rant against white people. She would never have said it. Michelle Obama graduated from Harvard Law School, not Harvard Divinity School. Senator John McCain complained on camera Friday about Democratic Party efforts to label him as the standard bearer for a Bush third term. Republicans can’t get away from President Bush fast enough. Laura is this close to a guest spot on Swingtown. The Democratic convention’s opening night gala found a sponsor Friday. The bash will be paid for by a New Orleans hurricane victims fund that’s run by Democrats. New Orleans citizens refused to give away any rescue money unless it went for alcohol. Washington D.C. cops revealed a plan to check the IDs of all drivers coming into rough neighborhoods at night. It’s to reduce gang activity. There’s only one other way to keep suburbanites from driving into the hood, but Wal-Mart refuses to sell crack. Robert Gates fired top Air Force officials for accidentally shipping nuclear bomb triggers to Taiwan. They had ordered batteries. Yesterday a Taiwanese soldier started his jeep and six seconds later he realized his dream of visiting the Chinese mainland. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 6.10.08

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