Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? The Weather Channel quoted climatologists Friday forecasting unusually violent storms this summer. No one’s looking forward to the hurricane season. Everyone is tired of Democrats blaming it on global warming and Republicans blaming it on al-Qaeda. O.J. Simpson’s agent wrote a book saying O.J. confessed the murders to him as they smoked pot one night. He smokes pot to help him sleep. O.J. has trouble sleeping and his doctor told him the fastest way to overcome his insomnia is by stabbing sheep. Brigitte Bardot was fined twenty thousand dollars by a French court last week for saying she thinks the influx of Muslims is ruining France. It doesn’t seem fair. Hate speech can get you jail time in France while in America it gets you a radio show. Yves St. Laurent died last week in Paris after a long career as a women’s fashion designer and clothing manufacturer. One of his inventions was the women’s pantsuit. It was the turquoise polyester that Hillary wore in Puerto Rico that killed him. Hillary Clinton’s friends said Friday she would accept the vice presidency. It fits her personality. Under our current system of government, the president plays the cheerful figurehead while the vice president is in charge of conquering the world. John McCain turned his attention to the fall election on Tuesday after the GOP primaries formally ended. The nice thing about being a Republican is that they are never torn in two along racial lines. Their idea of a man of color is George Hamilton. President Bush extended his congratulations to Barack Obama on becoming the first African-American ever to win a major party nomination for president. However he didn’t call him personally. He doesn’t want to cheapen the value of winning the Super Bowl. Barack Obama’s patron Tony Rezko was convicted of fraud and money-laundering by a Chicago jury Wednesday. Miraculously, the verdict came in a day after Obama clinched the party nomination. For Barack Obama’s ministers, loaves and fishes are for amateurs. Barack Obama clinched the Democratic nomination for president Tuesday. He made history with his campaign. Until this year, millions and millions of Americans had never voted for a black man unless it was on American Idol or the All-Star ballot. Barack Obama used a plate to catch three pancakes flipped to him from ten feet away Monday. Everyone gasped in admiration. The secret to eating three pancakes and maintaining your thirty-two inch waist is to smoke when you’re wife’s not looking. President Bush welcomed the Kansas Jayhawks basketball team to the White House on Tuesday and saluted them for winning the NCAA title. These young men are going to be very rich by the end of the summer. Everyone in Kansas grows corn in the yard. President Bush went to Ford’s Theatre last Sunday, where he enjoyed a performance by the great actor Hal Holbrook. It’s part of a long tradition. Every president who starts a civil war has to visit Ford’s Theatre during the last year of his presidency. West Virginia lawmakers demanded Monday that Dick Cheney apologize for cracking a joke about West Virginians being inbreds. The state only has one marriage law. Gays are not allowed to marry in West Virginia unless they can prove they are related. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 6.9.08

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