Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Bill Clinton ripped Vanity Fair for its profile article on him Monday. It said he’s been philandering with actresses and heiresses. If Barack Obama is going to be dignified and happily married, Democrats need the Clintons on the ticket for balance. Hillary Clinton dropped hints to Barack Obama’s campaign Tuesday she might want to be his running mate. She’d be a great choice. Hillary’s been Plan B every night for the past 32 years, so there is nobody more qualified to be vice president. John McCain criticized Barack Obama’s policies toward Iraq and Iran in a speech Monday. The GOP candidate pulled no punches. He said Obama’s policies would turn the Middle East into sheer chaos, as opposed the yoga class that’s going on there now. Susan Sarandon declared Saturday that she will move to Canada or Italy if John McCain gets elected president of the United States in November. It’s a two-way street. Roman Polanski vowed he will move back to America if the Clintons get elected. Father Michael Pfleger was suspended by the Chicago archbishop Tuesday for his rant mocking Hillary at Obama’s church. It made the church look terrible. Whoever thought that sex scandals involving altar boys would be considered the good old days? Big Brown will run for the Triple Crown in the Belmont Stakes Saturday despite a quarter crack in his front left foot. Everyone’s following the story. His trainer said the crack is no big deal and Tatum O’Neal asked him to be a witness at her trial. Tatum O’Neal was arrested in New York Sunday for attempting to purchase drugs on the street. Cops saw her trying to buy crack cocaine from a homeless guy. It’s nice to see those $600 stimulus checks going for their intended purpose. Texas Rangers took 400 children home to a polygamist ranch Tuesday. A few men there have hundreds of children by dozens of wives. Texas courts won’t crack down on it because they’re afraid the precedent would ruin relations with Saudi Arabia. Amish farmers in Ohio began organizing a co-op to grow organic food Monday. They say that growing high-demand organic food strengthens the Amish way of life. With gas at a $4 a gallon, the Amish way of life is picking up new converts daily. General Motors said Tuesday it will close four SUV and truck plants while adding a third shift at two GM hybrid electric car factories. That’s the good news. The bad news is that wildcatters working a new field in Saudi Arabia last night struck electricity. Congress heard testimony blaming oil prices on money managers who play the oil commodities market with retirement funds. It’s an evil plot. Retirement funds are pushing up the price of oil so high that no one will ever be able to afford to retire. Formula One president Max Mosley was permitted to keep his job Tuesday despite being videotaped getting spanked by hookers dressed like Gestapo officers. It’s no big deal. How many times do the Puritans need to be told that it’s just sex and Nazis? Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez enacted a new intelligence law by decree this week. Human rights activists say it’s a danger to civil liberties and will lead to a crackdown on dissent. Dick Cheney refers to the measure as the gal that got away. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 6.6.08

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