Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? The Boston Celtics host the Los Angeles Lakers tonight in Game One of the NBA Finals. Fans can’t wait. This match-up is one of the great sports rivalries, like the Yankees vs. the Red Sox, the Cowboys vs. the Redskins and Charles Barkley vs. House Odds. Universal Studios in Hollywood had a spectacular fire Sunday. The response was admittedly slow. The firetruck ran out of gas on the way to the studio and they had to put a measure on the November ballot to raise enough money to fill it up again. Hillary Clinton claimed the popular vote victory in the Democratic presidential primaries in her election-night speech Tuesday. It’s so sad. She wound up with more votes than Barack Obama, and so under U.S. Supreme Court precedent the winner is Barack Obama. Barack Obama gave a stem-winding speech to thousands in Minneapolis Tuesday. He really is the candidate of change. In the last month alone the Ku Klux Klan has changed their policy and now welcomes black preachers and Catholic priests as members. Senator John McCain launched his general election campaign with a speech in New Orleans Tuesday before hundreds of Republican supporters. The senator still needs to work on his delivery. Wilfred Brimley gets more applause selling diabetes supplies. The Texas Supreme Court ordered the Texas polygamist families to be reunited on Monday.`It’s baffling. The families are ordered to attend parenting classes and marriage counseling, which saves money because they are one and the same in this case. President Bush gave the commencement speech at Furman University Saturday. His family does these a lot. Barbara Bush told Wellesley graduates eighteen years ago they would never regret the decision to have children, although you wonder if she’d say that today. Barack Obama underwent a purification ceremony with the Crow Indians in Montana ahead of Tuesday’s primary. His adopted Crow father Hartford Black Eagle prayed over him. Barack Obama only prays with religious leaders who have a grudge against white people. Barack Obama announced on the campaign trail Saturday that he’s resigning from his church. The very next day Hillary Clinton trounced Obama in the Puerto Rico primary by a two-to-one margin. It was God’s way of saying that two can play this game. Hillary Clinton won the Puerto Rico primary Sunday by a huge margin. She vowed to the crowd in her victory speech that she’s going to fight on and on. And that’s just with Bill Clinton about all the women who were named in the Vanity Fair article. Vanity Fair reported Bill Clinton was confronted by aides for carrying on with women. Who cares anymore? He’s at the point where we all know it’s a disease, and as long as he’s kept away from sugar or caffeine his handlers can control him with sticks. Dick Cheney told a crowd Monday that there are Cheneys on both sides of his family, then he cracked a West Virginia incest joke. He said he can get away with it because he’s not running for re-election. This is the same rationale he’s using to attack Iran. The Supreme Court ruled that Major League Baseball has no right to control the billion and a half dollar fantasy leagues business Monday. You can’t make it up. Baseball is so boring without steroids that leagues are popping up with Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens on their rosters and they are making more money than the real teams. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 6.5.08

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