Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Vanity Fair reported Sunday Bill Clinton has been carrying on with a ravishing entourage of women. Reaction was swift. His heart surgeon came to work at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital on Monday and found himself booked up for the next twenty years. Hillary Clinton won the Puerto Rico Democratic presidential primary Sunday and she vowed to fight on. There’s no reasoning with her. You can tell a Cubs fan that they’ve been mathematically eliminated on the first of June but they never believe it. Barack Obama quit Chicago’s Trinity United Church of Christ after another rant from the pulpit against white people. It’s a militant church. Every Christmas the manger scene on the church lawn shows four Los Angeles cops standing over Rodney King. John McCain visited Walter Reed Hospital Saturday but his staff refused to say why. It’s no secret why. The cable news networks were so busy covering Hillary and Obama that John McCain went in for a colonoscopy just to get a little camera time. Father Michael Pfleger apologized Sunday for remarks he made mocking Hillary Clinton at Obama’s Chicago church. He can’t believe the uproar. For the last four hundred years, raging against English Protestants got a guy promoted in his line of work. Adolf Hitler’s rocket scientist Ernst Stuhlinger died at ninety-two Friday. He was captured by U.S. troops and taken to America, where he devised guidance systems for NASA rockets and ICBMs. Only Mel Gibson was forgiven faster, and for the same thing. Sex and the City was a hit Saturday about four fashion-loving women living the high life in New York. Not everybody enjoyed the movie. Straight men have begun picketing the theaters showing the movie demanding that the writers go back on strike. Big Brown will go for the Triple Crown at the Belmont in New York on Saturday. His owners won’t see a profit until he is put out to stud. This year the thoroughbred has won ten million dollars, but that doesn’t nearly cover the price of his corn feed. Al-Qaeda leaders found themselves facing protests from Muslim extremist women on Sunday. The women are upset al-Qaeda only allows men to become top terrorists. There’s nothing so frustrating for women as being unable to blow up the glass ceiling. Democratic Party officials agreed to seat the rule-breaking Michigan and Florida delegations at the Denver convention. However, they will get only a half-vote per person. It’s the same deal Southern states got after the war for the next eighty years. President Bush sent a memo to the Defense Secretary and the Interior Secretary asking them to look into making Pearl Harbor a national monument. It isn’t really needed. Oil company executives are way too superstitious to drill in a place like that. White House former spokesman Scott McClellan said Sunday President Bush should have fired Karl Rove for leaking CIA spy Valerie Plame’s identity. Mr. Bush ordered Scooter Libby and Karl Rove to leak away. It’s no accident that Viagra was invented during the Clinton administration and Flomax was invented in the Bush administration. The Ford Theatre Society Sunday completed its fundraising for renovation. It’s where Abe Lincoln was assassinated. He tried to hold America together and was shot for it, which explains why nobody will step forward to end the Democratic primary race. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 6.4.08

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