Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Barack Obama posed for cameras Friday at Mount Rushmore. It displays the faces of two slaveowners, an imperialist, and a guy who suspended habeas corpus. You’d think his campaign would be a bit more careful about who gets into a picture with him. Oliver Stone signed Richard Dreyfuss to play Dick Cheney in his new movie about the life of President Bush. The actor lobbied hard for the role. Richard Dreyfuss worked with a great white shark in the movie Jaws, and he’s always wanted to play one. Big Brown could win the Triple Crown in the Belmont Saturday. He just sold for stud at a record price. His value went up even higher when breeders realized that riding him to work every day would save them five thousand dollars a year in gasoline. The space shuttle took off for the Space Station Saturday to repair its busted toilet. It was built and installed by the Russians. The Pentagon used to charge NASA six thousand dollars per toilet and they have never looked like a bigger bargain. Geraldine Ferraro accused Barack Obama on Friday of hiding behind his race to avoid criticism in the campaign. For her, it’s about women’s rights. She’s angry that a black man will get to lose in a landslide to a white war hero when it’s a woman’s turn. Barack Obama apologized for his pal Father Michael Pfleger’s anti-white sermon at Obama’s church last Sunday. These old radicals could bring him down. Every time Barack Obama and Patty Hearst are in the same room they have to pretend like they never met. Hillary Clinton drank with reporters on her plane Friday and was photographed dancing in the aisle, holding a glass and looking tipsy. God has a plan for everybody. If she can’t be the next Margaret Thatcher maybe she can be the next Betty Ford. Hillary Clinton promised Sunday to resolve Puerto Rico’s commonwealth status when she is president. Island residents enjoy the full rights and protection of the United States but they pay no U.S. income taxes. Wesley Snipes’s birthday is a holiday in Puerto Rico. Bob Dole ripped former White House spokesman Scott McClellan for writing a tell-all about the Bush administration. He called McClellan a miserable creature. A recommendation like that is enough to get you a job at any talent agency in Hollywood. Scott McClellan denounced the Bush administration for its culture of secrecy in his new book. He said they use extraordinary means to keep things quiet. There’s a sign on the wall in the press secretary’s office that reads Loose Lips Elect Democrats. South Dakota and Montana will vote today in the last contest of the Democratic primary. All eyes will be on Hillary to see if she calls it quits or vows to press ahead with a convention fight. She was last seen consulting a genealogist to see if she’s got enough Stuart blood in her to claim she’s the rightful Queen of England. Denver’s Jeff Peckman petitioned city officials to set up an Extraterrestrial Affairs Department to plan for an alien landing. Denver is the closest city to outer space. At least it has been ever since Jerry Brown moved out of the California governor’s mansion. Hugh Hefner said Thursday he wants to produce a movie of his life and he wants Robert Downey Jr. to play him. The publisher has been always an amateur theologian. Hugh Hefner was a son of a Methodist minister and Easy Grace was his first centerfold. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 6.3.08

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